Bourne End is a small community in the Thames Valley. A few years ago, I had to do
a lot of business with a company there that I shall not name. I am also not prepared to tell
anything about the nature of the business I was involved in. It involved developing software, that
should be obvious from the context.
The collection of Bourne End-isms, as they soon were called, presented here can never be complete,
neither was it started by myself, but rather by a member of said company (that still shall not be
named here).
The persons that are mentioned as authors in the list really exist, and are named by their real
names. I hope, this does not enrage them.
I realise that this is something which is not easy to understand, it is something for insiders.
There are some technical terms that perhaps need explanation. I have tried to provide a
glossary at the end of this page. I have completed the collection as well
as I could. Have fun.
| No |
Quote |
Author |
| 1 |
And remember, Phil - we'll get the best automation system in the world. |
Beat's standing phrase on saying good-bye to Phil |
| 2 |
Let's take 'Gone With the Wind', for example...... |
Phil |
| 3 |
You sound like a train spotter calling it a 3410 all the time. |
Len |
| 4 |
Or we could have an audio card in all the PCs that would, if anything goes wrong, sound a
female voice saying «Are you aware that driver PC 2 has just gone down ?» |
Phil, dreaming |
| 5 |
I think we should stop writing in C++ and change to Visual Objects immediately.
It's data driven and better than Clipper. It's great. |
Richard, paraphrasing Peter K. |
| 6 |
Or let's take 'Golden Girls', for example..... |
Phil |
| 7 |
I mean, it's just a line in ATRAN.INI, isn't it? |
Alan |
| 8 |
I'm acting as 'Entertainment Manager' now. |
Phil, on the first FAT |
| 9 |
The thing that annoys me is ... |
Alan |
| 10 |
Two years I've been telling them ... |
Alan |
| 11 |
The bottom line is .... |
Phil |
| 12 |
Autotran will be ready in a fortnight. |
Phil |
| 13 |
You have to take the afternoon off, I'm afraid. We have to sort things out for a bit. |
Phil, on second FAT |
| 14 |
At least we have good ethos. |
Tony, quoting Phil |
| 15 |
We know we should develop software that way but ... |
Peter B., quoting |
| 16 |
The bug was caused by three words: 'Can you just ...' |
Eric the late |
| 17 |
That might be the way other people develop software, that might be the way Microsoft develop
software, but it's not the way we do it here. |
Phil, Duke of Bourne End |
| 18 |
It'll all be blown over by April, and if it isn't, then we're all out of a job. |
Ken (he was wrong like most of the time, it was blown in June and two years later at that) |
| 19 |
'Potentially, this document could be read by customers who wish to ensure that the
Autotran software is designed, written and documented to a high standard' |
Ally, in his Database Design Document 24/11/94 |
| 20 |
At least Steve knows Cstring is a class. |
Richard |
| 21 |
We have a lot of software that hasn't been written yet! |
John Davies |
| 22 |
That's tomorrow's problem. |
Phil |
| 23 |
There's a bug in your neural network. |
Anupam |
| 24 |
I'm glad that I did something right. |
Steve |
| 25 |
In November, we will be fatting two systems for the Canadians. |
>Phil |
| 26 |
All you have to do is ... |
Peter B. |
| 27 |
SNAFU is FUBAR. |
Anupam |
| 28 |
Give me an hour, and I'll have it in place. |
Peter B. |
| 29 |
This is typical bloody Rutter, I'll wring his f*#!ing neck! |
Entries £5 each, winner gets size of pot to date minus my 10%. Author can pay £10 to preserve anonymity. 'Step for a hint' in multiples of £1.00, non refundable. |
| 30 |
Something is not quite right here .... |
Steve |
| 31 |
Perhaps you will not have all the bells and whistles at the beginning .... |
Phil, Duke of Bourne End |
| 32 |
I'll be perfectly blunt, Beat ... |
>John Philipson |
| 33 |
I don't know where things started to go wrong, Beat! |
Phil, Duke of Bourne End |
| 34 |
I have more computer power at home than you have here. |
Fajad |
| 35 |
What do you reckon. Chris, is British Beef edible this week? |
John Philipson |
| 36 |
I must see that my double glazing is being put in tomorrow. |
John Philipson |
| 37 |
Look, we move the database to the BOLLOCKS directory for the moment ..
BOLLOCKS, see. |
Kiddy Kidson |
| 38 |
When I interview a new engineer, I first make sure that he has shoes on. If so, I see whether they have laces on them and if so, I ask him to tie them. |
John Philipson |
| 39 |
Just drop us at Boulter's Lock, attaboy, Al! |
Chris |
| 40 |
The most important first ... where do we go dinner time? |
John Philipson |
| 41 |
Let's remove all rubber doodahs. |
Chris |
| 42 |
To use a more technical expression ... It's all fucked up. |
Chris, quoting Alan |
| 43 |
BUT YOU WANTED IT THAT WAY! |
Peter B. shouting at Beat |
| 44 |
We were never as close as this. |
Alan, during rehearsal period in Zurich |
| 45 |
We have to move everything to the BOLLOCKS directory. |
Chris, after rehearsal period in Zurich |
| 46 |
You look pissed off, Al. |
Chris, after rehearsal period in Zurich |
| 47 |
But it used to work. I can't understand it. |
Jezza during pre-delivery check in Bourne End |
| 48 |
You still haven't told me about Swiss software engineers, Chris. Do they too have close set eyes, no shoe laces, scruffy hair, like here? |
John Philipson |
| 49 |
We've all been screwed. |
Alan |
| 50 |
Boughton and Akturk are to come to my office tomorrow and be told they are sacked. |
John Gutteridge, MD |
| 51 |
I'd love to know further how things are progressing with the system as I still feel
part of it !!!! |
e-mail from Alan |
