These cartoons posted by kind permission of the author. Find many more at www.offthemark.com

onenightstand winter04

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Well, that's it. You've thought you were through
with your maths. But have a look at this one ...

The two figures look exactly the same size. But hold it! There seems to be something terribly wrong with them. The lower one seems to be one square less in size. But why?

riddle

Any ideas what's wrong with this?

George W. Bush was driving from Texas to New York and stopped in a bar on a quiet street and began drinking. After he was well past the legal limit, he stood up and shouted, "All Democrats are pigs!"
Immediately, the barroom crowd set upon him and threw him out of the bar.
After a few days, Mr. Bush stopped in the same bar on his way back to Texas and began drinking again. He stood up, but remembering what had happened last time, he shouted, "All Republicans are pigs," whereupon the crowd descended upon him and threw him out again.
Lying on ground, he asked a passer by "Who the hell do these people vote for around here?"
"You don't understand," the man replied. "They are all pig farmers."

George W. Bush, sometimes lovingly called "Dubya" is not really well known for his - well - brainyness. History will show how good he really was as President of the United States of America. Here, I'll show you right now how good he really is. There's lot of stuff to be found on the internet about him, quotes and jokes. Have some fun with these:

How many George Bushes does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three: One to change the lightbulb, one to promise he'll do it better than anyone else, and one to obscure the issues.


The American myth is that every boy can grow up to be President.
The reality now is that the boy doesn't have to grow up.


George W. Bush was driving from Texas to New York and stopped in a bar on a quiet street and began drinking. After he was well past the legal limit, he stood up and shouted, "All Democrats are pigs!"
Immediately, the barroom crowd set upon him and threw him out of the bar. After a few days, Mr. Bush stopped in the same bar on his way back to Texas and began drinking again. He stood up, but remembering what had happened last time, he shouted, "All Republicans are pigs," whereupon the crowd descended upon him and threw him out again.
Lying on ground, he asked a passer by "Who the hell do these people vote for around here?"
"You don't understand," the man replied. "They are all pig farmers."


Al Gore and Bush were in a restaurant ordering brunch. The waitress asks Gore what he would like to order. After looking at the menu, Al says, "I would like Eggs Benedict."
The waitress says, "Fine, and what will you have, Governor Bush?"
Perusing the menu, George says, "Well, I think I'd like to have a quickie."
Taken aback, the waitress responds, "Why Gov. Bush, that's awful, and you're not even President yet!"
Then Gore leans over and whispers into Bush's ear, "George, that's pronounced 'quiche.'"
Bush responds - "Hey, you order what you want and I'll order what I want."


Mr. Bush, repeat after me. I do solemnly swear
- "I do solemonemoney swear..."
- that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States
- "... that I will fatally execute the official President of the United States... "
- and will to the best of my ability
- "... and will to the best of my abli-tilly ..."
- preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States
- "... preservect defenestrate the United ... the Constitual ... the ... um ... of America."
- So help me God.
- "So help me. So help my dog. Oh, God, is it over?"


... G. W. Bush said that in Texas they guarded the border so closely they never had to worry about any guy named Manual Recount screwing up their election results.


George W. Bush is now under treatment for two problems, electile dysfunction and premature congratulation


... Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
Nearly 5,000 years later, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel; this is the Promised Land!"
Now Bush Jr. wants to steal your shovels, kick your asses, raise the price of your Camels, and mortgage the Promised Land. Bush Jr. wants to change the Republican Party Emblem from an elephant to a condom, because it stands for inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives a false sense of security while one is being screwed.

shithouse

Further recommended study here....

The top five questions a caring wife
should never ask her husband.

The five questions are:

  1. What are you thinking?
  2. Do you love me?
  3. Do I look fat?
  4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
  5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly. For example:

1) "What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

  1. Baseball
  2. Football
  3. How fat you are.
  4. How much prettier she is than you.
  5. How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

(The best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, " I'd be talking instead of thinking.")

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2) "Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:

  1. I suppose so.
  2. Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
  3. That depends on what you mean by "love".
  4. Does it matter?
  5. Who, me?

3) "Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room.
Wrong answers include:

  1. I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
  2. Compared to what?
  3. A little extra weight looks good on you.
  4. I've seen fatter.
  5. Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

4) "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answers include:

  1. Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
  2. I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
  3. Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
  4. Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
  5. Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5) "What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would of course hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?", persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear", said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear", he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband," I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to", said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed."

An overheard Conversation between George W. and his National Security Advisor, Condolezza Rice:

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.bush_cartoon

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?