Bourne End is a small community in the Thames Valley. A few years ago, I had to do
a lot of business with a company there that I shall not name. I am also not prepared to tell
anything about the nature of the business I was involved in. It involved developing software, that
should be obvious from the context.
The collection of Bourne End-isms, as they soon were called, presented here can never be complete,
neither was it started by myself, but rather by a member of said company (that still shall not be
named here).
The persons that are mentioned as authors in the list really exist, and are named by their real
names. I hope, this does not enrage them.
I realise that this is something which is not easy to understand, it is something for insiders.
There are some technical terms that perhaps need explanation. I have tried to provide a
glossary at the end of this page. I have completed the collection as well
as I could. Have fun.


no Quote Author
1 And remember, Phil - we´ll get the best automation system in the world. Beat´s standing phrase on saying good-bye to Phil
2 Let's take "Gone With the Wind", for example...... Phil
3 You sound like a train spotter calling it a 3410 all the time. Len
4 Or we could have an audio card in all the PCs that would, if anything goes wrong, sound a
female voice saying "Are you aware that driver PC 2 has just gone down ?"
Phil, dreaming
5 I think we should stop writing in C++ and change to Visual Objects immediately.
It's data driven and better than Clipper. It's great.
Richard, paraphrasing Peter K.
6 Or let's take "Golden Girls", for example..... Phil
7 I mean, it's just a line in ATRAN.INI, isn't it? Alan
8 I'm acting as 'Entertainment Manager' now. Phil, on the first FAT
9 The thing that annoys me is ... Alan
10 Two years I've been telling them ... Alan
11 The bottom line is .... Phil
12 Autotran will be ready in a fortnight. Phil
13 You have to take the afternoon off, I'm afraid. We have to sort things out for a bit. Phil, on second FAT
14 At least we have good ethos. Tony, quoting Phil
15 We know we should develop software that way but ... Peter B., quoting
16 The bug was caused by three words: 'Can you just ...' Eric the late
17 That might be the way other people develop software, that might be the way Microsoft develop software, but it's not the way we do it here. Phil, Duke of Bourne End
18 It'll all be blown over by April, and if it isn't, then we're all out of a job. Ken (he was wrong like most of the time, it was blown in June and two years later at that)
19 'Potentially, this document could be read by customers who wish to ensure that the Autotran software is designed, written and documented to a high standard' Ally, in his Database Design Document 24/11/94
20 At least Steve knows Cstring is a class. Richard
21 We have a lot of software that hasn't been written yet! John Davies
22 That's tomorrow's problem. Phil
23 There's a bug in your neural network. Anupam
24 I'm glad that I did something right. Steve
25 In November, we will be fatting two systems for the Canadians. Phil
26 All you have to do is ... Peter B.
27 SNAFU is FUBAR. Anupam
28 Give me an hour, and I'll have it in place. Peter B.
29 This is typical bloody Rutter, I'll wring his f*#!ing neck!
Entries £ 5 each, winner gets size of pot to date minus my 10%.
Author can pay £ 10 to preserve anonymity. 'Step for a hint' in multiples of £ 1.00, non refundable.
30 Something is not quite right here .... Steve
31 I must see that my double glazing is being put in tomorrow. John Philipson
32 Look, we move the database to the BOLLOCKS directory for the moment .., see?
Kiddy Kidson
33 When I interview a new engineer, I first make sure that he has shoes on. If so, I see whether they have laces on them and if so, I ask him to tie them. John Philipson
34 Just drop us at Boulter's Lock, attaboy, Al! Chris
35 The most important first ... where do we go dinner time? John Philipson
36 Let's remove all rubber doodahs. Chris
37 To use a more technical expression ... It's all fucked up. Chris, quoting Alan
38 BUT YOU WANTED IT THAT WAY! Peter B. shouting at Beat
39 We were never as close as this. Alan, during rehearsal period in Zurich
40 We have to move everything to the BOLLOCKS directory. Chris, after rehearsal period in Zurich
41 You look pissed off, Al. Chris, after rehearsal period in Zurich


Abbrv. Factory Acceptance Test. This is a procedure where a customer wants to make sure that his product works as ordered and is ready to be shipped.

References to Gone With the Wind and Golden Girls:
Examples of a very long (won't fit on one tape) and a rather short TV programme (of the latter more than one episode fit on one tape) - that's what the project was all about, broadcasting TV programmes

Autotran, 3410:
product names

This is a supplement to my Bourne End-isms.
The following code lines were found in a C++ module
of a piece of software as it was being tested:

// This function is called when the current Event On-Air has completed but
// the Next Event is Not ready to Start.
// The purpose of this function is to determine whether to keep the
// Current Event On-Air
// Until the Next Event is Taken to Air, or to Route the Fall Back to Air.
// Consider: If this destination is a break-away destination then when the
// current event completes the Fall Back Follow source should be routed
// to Air so that this break-away destination will return to follow the
// Clean Feed Output.
// However, if there is a genuine 'gap' in the schedule, such the clean
// feed preset event is not valid to take to air, but the On-Air event has
// completed, then the Fall Back Source should be routed to the
// Clean Feed output.
// The answer to the question of whether to keep the current event
// On-Air or Route the Fall Back depends upon the reason for not taking
// the Preset Event to Air.
// Basically - if the preset event would be taken to air on a 'time-only'
// basis but has not been
// taken to air (pre-requisite for calling this function), then the
// Current Event should be kept on-air, as it is reasonable to assume
// that the reason the preset event was not taken to air
// is because it is waiting for the manual take.
// If the preset event could not be taken to air on a 'time-only' basis
// then a 'gap' in the schedule exists, hence route the fall back.
// If you've read this far then you must be:-
// a) Confused
// b) Determined to understand what's going on.
// To save you a lot of time complaining about this software
// (and it's author), I'll come clean.
// This is a bodge.
// Do I have a defense? ... well, it's gone midnight and the Swiss
// will be on site in the morning for an acceptance test.
// So I've put this bodge in, you know 'just for now' and I'll
// come back and fix it later when I've got more time ... or will I?

BOOLEAN DestinationSchedule::KeepCurrentEventOnAir (AssignSchedule pPresetEvent)

This is also a supplement to my Bourne-End-isms. The following ini file is a
joke, of course. It was just dreamed up as a way to get some fun out of testing software that would not work. Remember the days of Win3.x, when one had to tweak around with *.ini files?
Have some fun with this





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[Dr. Watson]
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