Railroad track gauges are the same in many parts of the world. Whether you look in the U.S or in Europe, it's either 4 foot and 8 and a half inches or 1435 mm respectively - which is exactly the same. Not a handy figure and you might wonder how come engineers started using exactly this weird figure.
Well, first of all, railroads were first built in Britain, so the foot-and-inch angle is easy to understand. Besides, railroads in the U.S were constructed in the 1840s by British immigrants, so it was logical for them to use the same gauge they knew from the Old World.
But still, why did the British use 4' 8 1/2" ?
Now, because the first tracks in Briatin were built by the same people that built the tramways and horsecars before railroads came along. And they built those tracks using 4' 8 1/2". Because they used the same tools and implements they already had for building coaches and wagons. Coaches that had all a wheel spacing of 4 feet 8 1/2 inches and wagons with wooden spoke wheels whose life span was quite short on the deeply rutted long distance freight roads. The teams had to stay in the ruts formed over the long centuries since the roads had been built, or the wagons risked breakdowns. Ruts that had a 4 feet and 8 1/2 inches gauge.
But who had build the roads? Well, not only in Britain, all over Europe long distance roads had been built by the Roman Empire that needed to move around her legions quickly all over the continent. It seems the first ruts on those roads were made by roman war chariots, whose axle span had to be such that it would line up behind two fat war horses. And that seems to have been 4 feet and 8 1/2 inches all over the Roman Empire.
Voilà l'éxplanation - this explains a lot.
So, if ever you look at a set of specs that doesn't seem right and you ask yourself "What horse's arse has desinged these?" - You'll know where that expression comes from. It's the arses of Roman Emperial horses. And the gauge is still 4 feet and 8 1/2 inches.
Now, coming back from the Roman Empire into todays modern world... if you look at a space shuttle sitting on its launching pad, you see the two solid rocked boosters on both sides of the main fuel tank. They look oddly narrow on the shuttle, and you might ask yourself, what horse's arse hasn't made them any wider. These RSRBs [Re-usable Solid Rocket Boosters], as they call them are manufactered by Thiokol Propulsion, a company in Brigham City, Utah. The specs had originally indeed called for a wider rocket body. But the things have to be transported to and from the plant by railroad, as they are - even taken apart for transportation - to big to be shipped around on roads. And as Utah is in the Rockies, there's a tunnel on railway line to the Thiokol plant. And the tunnel is only slightly wider than the railroad track. And the railroad track has the gauge of two Empirial Roman War Horse Arses.
So, we've come to realise that some of the specs for a very modern transport system has been laid down more than 2000 years ago by the span of two horse's behinds......
Good morning. This is computer support inc. Can I help you? Befuddled PC users flood phone help lines, and no questions seems to be too basic....
The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. The technician made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked the woman what happened when she pushed the power button. "I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," the woman replied. "Foot pedal?" the technician asked. "Yes," the woman said, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch." The "foot pedal," it turned out, was the computer's mouse, a hand-operated device that helps to control the computer's operations.
One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual, says Steve Smith, Dell director of technical support, the woman replied angrily,"I just paid $2,000 for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read a book."
A customer called Compaq's help center in Houston, Texas, who said her brand new Contura would not work. She said she had unpacked the unit, plugged it in, opened it up and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"
Another customer called to complain that "The cup holder has broken off my computer. I want a replacement, there still warranty on my machine!" The support technician, completely fazed, asked him "excuse me, did you say cup holder?" "Yes, it's a little tray, that comes out of the computer and where you can place your cup of coffee. It broke of yesterday. It's a bit of a flimsy thing and I want you to tell me how to proceed to get it repaired". "Yes, now let us see. Did this thing come as a promotional gift with your PC", the technician asked, "does it have a label or does it say anything on it?" "Oh, not much", the customer replied, "just the words 20x." At this point, the technician had to mute the phone. The customer, it turned out, had taken his CD ROM drive for a cup holder.
So many people have called to ask where the "any" key is when "Press Any Key" flashes on the screen that Compaq is considering changing the command to "Press Return Key."
One customer complained that her mouse was hard to control with the "dust cover" on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. Dell technician Wayne Zieschang says one of his customers held the mouse and pointed it at the screen,all the while clicking madly. The customer got no response because the mouse works only if it's moved over a flat surface.
A customer was having trouble reading word-processing files from his old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, he was asked what else was being done with the diskette. The customer's response: "I put a label on the diskette, roll it into the typewriter..."
Another customer dutifully complied with a technician's request that she send in a copy of a defective floppy disk. A letter from the customer arrived a few days later, along with a Xerox copy of the floppy.
And at Dell, a technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and "close the door." Asking the technician to "hold on," the customer put the phone down and was heard walking over to shut the door to his room. The technician meant the door to his floppy drive.
The software inside the computer can be equally befuddling. A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
No realizing how fragile computers can be, some people end up damaging parts beyond repair. A Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it, he said, filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking his keyboard for a day, and then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
Computers make some people paranoid. A Dell technician, Morgan Vergara, says he once calmed a man who became enraged because "his computer had told him he was bad and an invalid." Mr. Vergara patiently explained that the computer's "bad command" and " invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
An IBM customer phoned in because he had problems installing some new software. "I inserted the first diskette like it says on the sheet. When it said I should insert the second floppy, I did so, even though it was not easy. Now I'm asked to put in the third one, but I can't put it into the drive. There's no more room!"
I was working for a bigger company when another guy in our (computer) department came into my office in hysterical laughter. He told me he had just fielded a question from a woman whose department had gotten PCs installed two months previously. (Not by our group, we wrote software.) She told him her problem, and he figured out that a few files were lost from a floppy disk. "Do you make backups?" he asked hopefully. "Oh, yes, we were instructed to copy all of our data disks every day." "Well, put the backup copy in the computer, and I'll show you how to restore the files." "You mean put it in the printer?" "Huh? Put it in the disk drive." "How am I going to do that?" You see, each night they used a Xerox machine to copy their disks, and neatly stored the pictures of each disk in a filing cabinet. My response was to suggest that we fax them a new copy of their disk.
Well, here's a few amazing things you probablyhaven't heard before:
As beautiful as the Italian language is, it is a language spoken not only with a tongue, but also with hand and foot.This makes the language often slightly difficult to understand in written form,especiallyif an Italian feels himself obliged to express his thoughts in English.Read the amazing letter of an Italian to the hotel he stayed at while in Britain.
As beautiful as the Italian language is, it is a language spoken not only with a tongue, but also with hand and foot.This makes the language often slightly difficult to understand in written form,especiallyif an Italian feels himself obliged to express his thoughts in English.
Read the amazing letter of an Italian to the hotel he stayed at while in Britain.
These are supposedly actual answering machine announcements:
If we don't succeed,we run the risk of failure."(George W. Bush, Jr.)
If we don't succeed,
we run the risk of failure."
(George W. Bush, Jr.)
If your answer to the following questions is mostly (a)'s & (b)'s then you are a normal, well balanced individual. If you answer mostly (c)'s then sorry, you are indeed an American.
This drawing represents the World According to the United States of America during George W. Bush's first term.
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice. And she adds, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked."With that she takes off everything but her necklace and rolls the dice while yelling, "Mama needs new clothes." Then she yells, "YES, YES, YES!! I WON, I WON, I WON."She begins jumping up and down and hugging both of the dealers. Then she picks up her money and her clothes and quickly leaves.The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks,"What did she roll, anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching."Moral: Not all blondes are dumb.
A road check. The police holds up all cars. A blonde in a sports car is being checked. "Can I see your driving permit, please?" the policeman asks."Driving permit?" the blonde looks completely fazed. "Yes, you know, the thing with your picture on it," the policeman says. "Oh, that one. Why didn't you say so," the blonde pawes in her hand bag, digs out her powder compact, opens it, looks into the tiny mirror, smiles and hands the whole thing over to the policeman."There's my picture". The policeman looks into the mirror "Aw, look, sorry, if I'd known you're in the forces yourself, I wouldn't have held you up."Moral: Same as above.
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to th bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days! " Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. . .the side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days !"
Q: How do blonde braincells die ?A: Alone.Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paperQ: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?A: Trying to hold on to a thought.Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."Q: Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses?A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?A: They're too hard to peel.Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them.Q: Why does it work?A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"Q: How can you tell a blonde had a bad day?A: Her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn't know what she did with her cigarette.Q: What's brown and red and black and blue?A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.
Bourne End is a small community in the Thames Valley. A few years ago, I had to do a lot of business with a company there that I shall not name. I am also not prepared to tell anything about the nature of the business I was involved in. It involved developing software, that should be obvious from the context. The collection of Bourne End-isms, as they soon were called, presented here can never be complete, neither was it started by myself, but rather by a member of said company (that still shall not be named here). The persons that are mentioned as authors in the list really exist, and are named by their real names. I hope, this does not enrage them.I realise that this is something which is not easy to understand, it is something for insiders. There are some technical terms that perhaps need explanation. I have tried to provide a glossary at the end of this page. I have completed the collection as well as I could. Have fun.
FAT: Abbrv. Factory Acceptance Test. This is a procedure where a customer wants to make sure that his product works as ordered and is ready to be shipped.
References to Gone With the Wind and Golden Girls: Examples of a very long (won't fit on one tape) and a rather short TV programme (of the latter more than one episode fit on one tape) - that's what the project was all about, broadcasting TV programmes
Autotran, 3410: product names
Is chocolate better than sex?Well, of course, it isn't.but have you ever contemplated these?
For native English speakers, French is a painful language to learn. Not quite as painful as learning German, though.ordinateur (masculin): Un ordinateur est une machine électronique programmable de traitement automatique des données comprenant les organes nécessaires à son fonctionnement autonome. En France, dans les années 1950, on ne savait pas comment désigner ces nouvelles machines. Certains les appelaient «calculateurs» ou «calculatrices». Le terme anglais de computer était très utilisé. Le nom «ordinateur » a été proposé en 1955 par Jacques Perret, professeur à la Sorbonne. From: Yahoo! Encyclopédie
For native English speakers, French is a painful language to learn. Not quite as painful as learning German, though.
ordinateur (masculin): Un ordinateur est une machine électronique programmable de traitement automatique des données comprenant les organes nécessaires à son fonctionnement autonome. En France, dans les années 1950, on ne savait pas comment désigner ces nouvelles machines. Certains les appelaient «calculateurs» ou «calculatrices». Le terme anglais de computer était très utilisé. Le nom «ordinateur » a été proposé en 1955 par Jacques Perret, professeur à la Sorbonne. From: Yahoo! Encyclopédie
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like " chalk" or "pencil," she described, would have a gender association. For example: House is feminine -- "la" maison. In English, of course, words are of neutral gender. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender (la) because:
The group of women, however, concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine (le) gender because:
Well, we all have to begin using computers one of these days. Don't laugh at these, you too were once a novice...
Nobody can tell you why, but most words in computer science are nouns.
These are the questions you should never ask. Really never ask, not even your most trusted friends. Even when they know all about computers. Or, to be more precise, just because they know everything about computers. Because they won't know...
'640Kbytes ought to be sufficient for anybody'. - Bill Gates, 1981
This is what you have been waiting for. At last, your patience is being rewarded:
I n the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero. And God saw the bit and saw that it was good.
I n the spirit of Charles Darwin, the Darwin Awards commemorate individuals who protect our gene pool by making the ultimate sacrifice of their own lives.Darwin Award winners eliminate themselves in an extraordinarily idiotic manner, thereby improving our species' chances of long-term survival.Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppeld over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
I n the spirit of Charles Darwin, the Darwin Awards commemorate individuals who protect our gene pool by making the ultimate sacrifice of their own lives.Darwin Award winners eliminate themselves in an extraordinarily idiotic manner, thereby improving our species' chances of long-term survival.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppeld over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smouldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the side of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The police lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened.
It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight strech of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!
The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds. The driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburns, basically causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20) seconds before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tyres and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.
Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.
Ironically, a still-legible bumper sticker was found, reading "How do you like my driving? Dial 1-800-EAT-CRAP."
Note: this story is widely held to be apocryphal.
I have heard and seen this story in several places, also on the internet. The original © Copyright of this item lies at Darwinawards.com
The top five questions a caring wife should never ask her husband.The five questions are: What are you thinking? Do you love me? Do I look fat? Do you think she is prettier than me? What would you do if I died?
The top five questions a caring wife should never ask her husband.
The five questions are:
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly. For example:
1) "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
(The best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, " I'd be talking instead of thinking.")
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2) "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:
3) "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
4) "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:
5) "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would of course hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?" "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?" "Would you remarry?", persevered the wife. "No, of course not, dear", said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear", he said. "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" "Alright," said the husband," I'd remarry." "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband. "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause. "Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband. "I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?" "I suppose, if she wanted to", said the husband. "Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?" "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do." "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too." "Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed."
These are Bill-Gates-jokes. Heard any new one lately?Send it to me, please.
He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"
St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"
"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.
"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
"Fine,"retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???"
"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.
God brings Clinton, Yeltsin and Bill Gates to his office and says " Men, I've decided to bring an end to the world this Thursday -- I want you to go back and tell your people."
Upon his return, Clinton holds a press conference and says "People of America, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that all these years we've been saying 'one nation under God' we've been right -- there is a God. The bad news is he is destroying the world on Thursday."
Yeltsin makes an announcement to the Russian people and say "Brave comrads, I have bad news and bad news. The first bad news is that we've been wrong all these years -- there really is a God. The other bad news is he is going to destroy the world on Thursday."
Bill Gates calls a board meeting of Microsoft. "I have good news and good news! " he tells them. "The first good news is that God called a meeting of the three people he thinks are the most important in the world and I was one of them. The other good news is that OS/2 stops shipping on Thursday."
George W. Bush was driving from Texas to New York and stopped in a bar on a quiet street and began drinking. After he was well past the legal limit, he stood up and shouted, "All Democrats are pigs!" Immediately, the barroom crowd set upon him and threw him out of the bar. After a few days, Mr. Bush stopped in the same bar on his way back to Texas and began drinking again. He stood up, but remembering what had happened last time, he shouted, "All Republicans are pigs," whereupon the crowd descended upon him and threw him out again. Lying on ground, he asked a passer by "Who the hell do these people vote for around here?" "You don't understand," the man replied. "They are all pig farmers."George W. Bush, sometimes lovingly called "Dubya" is not really well known for his - well - brainyness. History will show how good he really was as President of the United States of America. Here, I'll show you right now how good he really is. There's lot of stuff to be found on the internet about him, quotes and jokes. Have some fun with these:
George W. Bush was driving from Texas to New York and stopped in a bar on a quiet street and began drinking. After he was well past the legal limit, he stood up and shouted, "All Democrats are pigs!" Immediately, the barroom crowd set upon him and threw him out of the bar. After a few days, Mr. Bush stopped in the same bar on his way back to Texas and began drinking again. He stood up, but remembering what had happened last time, he shouted, "All Republicans are pigs," whereupon the crowd descended upon him and threw him out again. Lying on ground, he asked a passer by "Who the hell do these people vote for around here?" "You don't understand," the man replied. "They are all pig farmers."
George W. Bush, sometimes lovingly called "Dubya" is not really well known for his - well - brainyness. History will show how good he really was as President of the United States of America. Here, I'll show you right now how good he really is. There's lot of stuff to be found on the internet about him, quotes and jokes. Have some fun with these:
How many George Bushes does it take to change a lightbulb? Three: One to change the lightbulb, one to promise he'll do it better than anyone else, and one to obscure the issues.
The American myth is that every boy can grow up to be President. The reality now is that the boy doesn't have to grow up.
Al Gore and Bush were in a restaurant ordering brunch. The waitress asks Gore what he would like to order. After looking at the menu, Al says, "I would like Eggs Benedict." The waitress says, "Fine, and what will you have, Governor Bush?" Perusing the menu, George says, "Well, I think I'd like to have a quickie." Taken aback, the waitress responds, "Why Gov. Bush, that's awful, and you're not even President yet!" Then Gore leans over and whispers into Bush's ear, "George, that's pronounced 'quiche.'" Bush responds - "Hey, you order what you want and I'll order what I want."
Mr. Bush, repeat after me. I do solemnly swear - "I do solemonemoney swear..." - that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States - "... that I will fatally execute the official President of the United States... " - and will to the best of my ability - "... and will to the best of my abli-tilly..." - preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States - "... preservect defenestrate the United... the Constitual... the... um... of America." - So help me God. - "So help me. So help my dog. Oh, God, is it over?"
... G. W. Bush said that in Texas they guarded the border so closely they never had to worry about any guy named Manual Recount screwing up their election results.
George W. Bush is now under treatment for two problems, electile dysfunction and premature congratulation
... Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land." Nearly 5,000 years later, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel; this is the Promised Land!" Now Bush Jr. wants to steal your shovels, kick your asses, raise the price of your Camels, and mortgage the Promised Land. Bush Jr. wants to change the Republican Party Emblem from an elephant to a condom, because it stands for inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives a false sense of security while one is being screwed.
Further recommended study here....
An overheard Conversation between George W. and his National Security Advisor, Condolezza Rice:
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
George: I mean the fellow's name.
George: The guy in China.
George: The new leader of China.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
High Anxiety? "Not me!" you might say.Sure? Wait a minute and read on....Ever wondered what tower and pilot talk about on the radio?Here comes the amazing truth...These are allegedly genuine radio conversations between aircraft and traffic control
High Anxiety? "Not me!" you might say.Sure? Wait a minute and read on....Ever wondered what tower and pilot talk about on the radio?
Here comes the amazing truth...
These are allegedly genuine radio conversations between aircraft and traffic control
Tower (at Stuttgart): Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots.
Pilot: This is exactly like Frankurt. It's either 210 or 170. Never anything else; but we are soo flexible...Tower: So are we. Reduce to 173 knots.
Tower: Phantom - formation crossing control district without clearance, state your call sign!Pilot: I'm not silly...
Pilot: Tower, please call me a fuel truck.Tower: Roger. You are a fuel truck.
Pilot: Condor 471, I'm waiting for my Follow-me.Tower: Negative, see yourself how you get to gate one-oh...
Tower: Delta Delta Whiskey, use taxiway zero-two-nine Charlie and Mike to proceed to gate one-two.Pilot: Ah...taxiway zero-two-nine...?Tower: That's the small one to your left; you've just passed it.Pilot: SorryTower: Don't worry, take taxiway Mike.Pilot: Ah,...Mike ?Tower: That will be the last one, just before the end of the runway...
Pilot: Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo established ILS one-six.Tower: Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land one-six, wind 5 knots zero-zero degrees and by the way: this is Vienna Tower.Pilot: (After a little while) Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed the outer marker.Tower: Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more: you are approaching Vienna!Pilot: (After a little while) Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?Tower: You can believe me, this is ViennaPilot: But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!Tower: Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger. Discontinue approach, turn left heading oh-three-oh and climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava.
Tower: Shamu two-two, please state estimated time of arrival.Pilot: Ok, let's see..., I think Tuesday would be nice...
Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?Pilot: Yes.Tower: Yes what??Pilot: Yes, SIR!
LH741: Tower, give me a rough time checkTower: It's Thursday, Sir.
Tower: Swissair eight-oh-nine, turn left heading directly for Trasadingen VOR. Do you need a radar vector ?Pilot: Negative, we are receiving VOR. It's directly where the moon stands.Tower: I couldn't say, I don't have the moon on my radar.
Pilot: Apron, Interflug 195, requesting start-up.Apron: Sorry, Interflug 195, we don't have your flight plan. What is your destination ?Pilot: As always on Monday, we're flying to Leipzig.Apron: But it's Tuesday today!Pilot: What? Tuesday is our day off!
Pilot: Tower, there's a runway light burning.Tower: I'm sure there must be dozens of lights burning.Pilot: Sorry, I mean it's smoking.
Tower: Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading.Pilot: Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...
Tower: Lufthansa 893, you're number one, check for workers on the taxiway.Pilot: Roger..... We've checked, they're all working.
Tower: Delta Oscar Mike, squawk 0476.Pilot: Say again.Tower: Squawk 0476.Pilot: Four, zero...?Tower: Do you need an easier one?
Tower: Delta Bravo Charlie, your squawk is really seven-zero-four-six?Pilot: Affirmative.Tower: I'll send you an excavator, your heigth is minus nine-zero feet.
Tower: Lufthansa eight-six-one-oh cleared for take-off.Pilot (LH 8610): We haven't landed yet.Tower: Who's lined up on two-six south?Pilot (LH 8801): Lufthansa eight-eight-oh-one.Tower: Well, YOU're cleared for take-off then.
Tower: Delta Mike Zulu, after landing cleared to taxi Alpha seven, Alpha five, Whiskey two, Delta one and Oscar two.Pilot: Where the hell's that, we're not that familiar with this port?Tower: Don't worry. I'm new here, too.
Tower: Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you.Pilot: Roger. Looking out for John Wayne.
Tower: Flamingo 019, do you have a Springbock in sight, twelve o'clock five miles crossing from left to right ?Pilot: If you mean a 737...?Tower: Yeah, you got it, you got it !
Pilot: Frankfurt information, this is Delta Bravo Zulu. We're over Dinkelsbuhl flight level nine-five.Tower: Delta Bravo Zulu, you're requested to call Munich information!Pilot: I know, but I find your programme more exciting.
Tower: DE..., turn downwind for runway two-six, you're number two behind a DC-9 turning base leg.Pilot: DE..., turning downwind for two-nine, following a DC-6.Tower: Not quite: Runway is two-six, traffic a DC-9.Pilot: Roger, follow a DC-26... what was the runway?
Tower: Hotel Papa Oscar climb four thousand to six thousand and maintain.Pilot: Hotel Papa Oscar, climbing flight level one-hundred.Tower: Negative, Hotel Papa Oscar, climb to flight level six-zero and maintain.Pilot: But four plus six equals ten, no?Tower: You're to climb, not to add.
Pilot trainee: Lichtenfels info, DEITN, turning base right for runway two-two for go and touch.Tower: DEITN, I got a request: Please first touch and then go.
Tower: You have traffic at ten o'clock, six miles!Pilot: Give us another hint, we have digital watches!
Tower: Mission triple-three, do you have problems?Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass.Tower: Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel..
Pilot: Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM two-four-two request start up and push back, please.Apron: KLM two-for-two expect start up in two hours.Pilot: Please confirm: two hours delay?Apron: Affirmative.Pilot: In that case, cancel the good morning!
Eggenfelden Info : D-EXXX pls. report persons aboard.D-EXXX (C-172) : Pilot and two pax and one dog.Eggenfelden Info (after Cessna finally bounced to a stop): Assume the Pilot-in-Command was the dog ?
Pilot: FLX three-zero, Tower, we're running out of fuel, please advise!Tower: What's your position, I don't have radar contact!Pilot: We're lined up for runway two-nine and would like to know where the fuel truck is.
Tower: Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery: German Air Force 269, you are cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation read back.Pilot: GAF 269: Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation and I need another pencil.
Tower: Cannot read you, say again!Pilot: Again!
Tower: What's your heigth and position?Pilot: Well, I'm 6 foot tall and I'm sitting front left.
Tower: Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?Pilot: Negativ, Sir. It's only the same pilot.
The following story was told by Salvatore Baia, a pilot who was waiting in his Cessna for take-off clarance one fine morning at Zurich Airport. The situation was this:Weather: clear, visibility: good. Take-off runway was two-eight, landing runway one-six, alternate one-four.Tower: Alitalia 194, you are cleared to taxi to runway two-eight; line up and hold. Expect take-off clearance shortly.AZ194: Ahhh, yes, taxi to two-eight-a and hold-aafter 30 seconds...Tower: Alitalia 194, cleared for take-offAZ194: Ahhh, two minutes, need-a preflight checksagain 30 seconds later...Tower: ALITALIA ONE-NINE-FOR, YOU ARE CLEARED FOR TAKE OFF NOW.AZ194: Ehmmm, yes, yes, take off-a in two minutes... In the mean time: runway one-six had a 737 with a wheel emergency and was blocked. All traffic had to use one-four. An approaching 767 from Cincinnati was guided downwind to land on two-eight. Its crew had been airborne for more than eight hours...Tower:Alitalia 194, expedite take-off, we have a Delta 767 on final two-eight 2 miles!AZ194: Ahhh, we need-a dirty more-a seconds...DL104: Hey Spaghetti, take-off now or I'll fuck you from behind!... and AZ194 was taking off - gracefully like a Space Shuttle...
Can pigs fly? Or cows? Could Microsoft build cars? And if yes, could they be sold at all? We don't know. But things would be different, that's for sure.
In the Garden of Eden, or to be more specific:The Little - Known Original Version of verses 27 and 28 of the Book Genesis.
In the Garden of Eden, or to be more specific:
The Little - Known Original Version of verses 27 and 28 of the Book Genesis.
27One fine day Eve came up to God and said: "Oh God, I have a problem."God returned: "What is thy problem, oh child?""God, I know Thou hast created me, Thou gavest this wonderful garden to me, Thou gavest me all these wonderful animals and Thou hast throwen in even this silly snake. But... still I feel not happy at times.""Why art thou not happy, my daughter?" came the question from above."Oh God, I feel so lonely and I can't bear the sight of those apples any longer.""Well, Eve my daughter, I think there is something I can do for thee. I will create MAN!""But what is this thing, MAN Thou speakest of, oh God?" Eve asked and sounded a bit uncertain."Well", God mused, "this creature will be quite hairy. It will have lots of faults; it will lie to you, it will cheat on you, it will be vain and conceited. Methinks, it will make life difficult for you."But it will be stronger than you, it will stand taller and it will move faster. It will hunt and kill animals; it will look quite ridiculous when it is excited, but since you are not happy, I will see that it can satisfy your bodily needs, too."It will have no humour at all and loves to do childish things like fight against other MEN or run after a round thing across the pasture."It won't be too clever, it will need your guidance to be reasonable.""That sounds too thrilling to be true" Eve said ironically "but tell me, oh God, where is the snag?" "Well, thou canst have this thing but on one condition" God said severely."What condition, please, oh God?" Eve asked."As I mentioned, this MAN will be vain and conceited. It will admire itself most.... therefore thou must let itself believe that IT was first, that I created MAN before I created woman. That thou must promise me, it will remain a secret amongst us WOMEN."28And God said to Eve: "Understood? Good, now be fruitful and multiply, and fill the Earth and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air and over every living thing that moves upon the earth."
Further recommended study: Michelangelo's Eve
The picture to the right shows William Gates III eating a freshly home-made cream-and-lemon pie handed to him by one of his supporters.
Question: Is Windows a virus? Answer: No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
Until this point it seemed Windows is a virus, but we discovered fundamental shortcomings:Viruses generally are well-supported by their authors, run on most systems of their chosen type, are frequently updated, use program code that is fast, elegant, compact and efficient, and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature!
These are categorical, but consistent, characteristics of viruses, which are inconsistent with Windows. We must therefore disqualify it. Win95 is not a virus --- It's a bug.
I t was already getting late and I was still hanging at the bar of my local pub when suddenly the door was ripped open and this guy came running in and asked for a glass of water from the bartender.The guy drank it down in one gulp then asked for a second glass. Six glasses later, and he had recovered enough to speak.
"Thanks," he croaked."That's one hell of a thirst you've got," said the bartender.The guy says, "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't.""Where's your car then?" the landlord asks."Just outside, at the roadside," the guy gasps."Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I go out and take your place.""Be my guest, the broad's a nympho. She'll do anybody."So the bartender goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. They get right down to it, humping away. Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple."What's going on here?" he asks."It's all right, officer," explains the bartender. "She's my wife.""Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize...""Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."
These cartoons posted by kind permission of the author. Find many more at www.offthemark.com
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:O great Oracle, the one who sees all and knows all, please accept this humble question from thy grovelling supplicant...Why is Windows so bug-ridden it makes you believe it's still a Beta? And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
THE SCENE: A dark antechamber of the Gates estate, dimly lit by three 20" monitors suspended from the ceiling. In the midle of the room is a Pentium/100 MHz, sheathed in a black casing. Three programmers dance around the machine, chanting horribly. Their pale, clammy complexion is cast hideously by the light of the monitors, rendered even more repugnant to the watchful eye by the 60Hz flicker of the monitors.
[as they dance around the Pentium]:
Double, double, toil and trouble; Tempers burn and data bubble.
Remember, Obsolescence isn't an accident, it's an art form.
You owe the Oracle a signed, handwritten manuscript of MacBeth, and a copy of the Windows upgrade for the P6.
This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas Websiteby an employee there who obviously has a sense of humour. The company, of course, does not have a sense of humour, and made the web department take it down immediately. (for once, the ´IMPORTANT´ note at the end is worth a read too!)
[_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other First Name:..................................................... Initial:........ Last Name...................................................... Password:.............................. (max. 8 char) Code Name:...................................................... Latitude-Longitude-Altitude:........... ...........
[_] F-14 Tomcat [_] F-15 Eagle [_] F-16 Falcon [_] F-117A Stealth [_] Classified
[_] Received as gift / aid package [_] Catalogue / showroom [_] Independent arms broker [_] Mail order [_] Discount store [_] Government surplus [_] Classified
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up [_] Store display [_] Espionage [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer [_] Was attacked by one
[_] Style / appearance [_] Speed / manoeuvrability [_] Price / value [_] Comfort / convenience [_] Kickback / bribe [_] Recommended by salesperson [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation [_] Advanced Weapons Systems [_] Backroom politics [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
[_] North America [_] Iraq [_] Iraq [_] Aircraft carrier [_] Iraq [_] Europe [_] Iraq [_] Middle East (not Iraq) [_] Iraq [_] Africa [_] Iraq [_] Asia / Far East [_] Iraq [_] Misc. Third World countries [_] Iraq [_] Classified [_] Iraq
[_] Colour TV [_] VCR [_] ICBM [_] Killer Satellite [_] CD Player [_] Air-to-Air Missiles [_] Space Shuttle [_] Home Computer [_] Nuclear Weapon
[_] Communist / Socialist [_] Terrorist [_] Crazed [_] Neutral [_] Democratic [_] Dictatorship [_] Corrupt [_] Primitive / Tribal
[_] Deficit spending [_] Cash [_] Suitcases of cocaine [_] Oil revenues [_] Personal cheque [_] Credit card [_] Ransom money [_] Traveller´s cheque
[_] Homemaker [_] Sales / marketing [_] Revolutionary [_] Clerical [_] Mercenary [_] Tyrant [_] Middle management [_] Eccentric billionaire [_] Defence Minister / General [_] Retired [_] Student
[_] Golf [_] Boating / sailing [_] Sabotage [_] Running / jogging [_] Propaganda / misinformation [_] Destabilisation / overthrow [_] Default on loans [_] Gardening [_] Crafts [_] Black market / smuggling [_] Collectibles / collections [_] Watching sports on TV [_] Wines [_] Interrogation / torture [_] Household pets [_] Crushing rebellions [_] Espionage / reconnaissance [_] Fashion clothing [_] Border disputes [_] Mutually Assured Destruction
Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to: McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION, Marketing Department Military, Aerospace Division
IMPORTANT: This form is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the kelpie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets.
If you have received this form in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites and place it in a warm oven for 40 minutes. Whisk briefly and let it stand for 2 hours before icing.
Not much really, but here we go:
Our Morning Prayer: Our Hard DriveWhich art internal Volume C by name;Thy code be clean,Thy fonts be seen On screen as they are on paper.Give us this day our documents, And lead us not into fragmentationBut deliver us our data. For thine is the SCSI,And the EISA, and the NuBus,Forever and Ever,Amen.
Our Morning Prayer:
Our Hard DriveWhich art internal Volume C by name;Thy code be clean,Thy fonts be seen On screen as they are on paper.Give us this day our documents, And lead us not into fragmentationBut deliver us our data. For thine is the SCSI,And the EISA, and the NuBus,Forever and Ever,Amen.
Edsel G. Murphy was the one who recognised that If anything can go wrong, it will.Well perhaps Murphy did not really exist at all, we don't know for sure. But his Law exists and we all know it's very real. Murphy was not the only wise guy who phrased things in his struggle to explain the unexplainabel. There are books about Murphy's and other people's Law-finding exercises. Me too, I collect such things and I would like to give you my findings.
Edsel G. Murphy was the one who recognised that If anything can go wrong, it will.
Well perhaps Murphy did not really exist at all, we don't know for sure. But his Law exists and we all know it's very real. Murphy was not the only wise guy who phrased things in his struggle to explain the unexplainabel. There are books about Murphy's and other people's Law-finding exercises. Me too, I collect such things and I would like to give you my findings.
(Or How Things Will Get Screwed With Time)
To be is to do (Seneca)
To be or not to be (Shakespeare)
To do is to be (Sartre)
Do be do be do (Sinatra)
When the shit hits the fan, it hits it hard.
Corollary: When it hits the fan slowly, there will be more smear.
To use a more technical expression: It's fucked up.
Chris' Corollary to the Carr Theorem: A nice fuck-up is still a fuck-up.
The Earth is flat and My $oftware™ flawless.
What is Multimedia? Multimedia is when Window$™ crashes with a very loud noise.
This is a supplement to my Bourne End-isms.The following code lines were found in a C++ module of a piece of software as it was being tested:
I was sitting in my pub the other night when I saw an old gentleman coming up to the bar. I knew him from old times and he was the one with this renowned trick of his that he would perform on the rare occasions when he was lit a bit:He would take a walnut out of his pocket, put it on the bar, take out his penis from his fly and smite it to small pieces with it.
"Well, now, daddy", I said to him, "will there be a show tonight, huh?"He looked carefully around and he realised, that all the people around us were watching him expectantly.Carefully he searched his pockets and finally extracted a coconut from his left trouser pocket. The patrons fell silent as he laid it lovingly on the table and patted it for a bit.Then, he fumbled open his fly, quietly took out his thing, and swoosh - the nut was all splinters.There was a standing ovation from the spectators - it lasted for minutes.When the room had quietened down finally and I could make myself heard again, I stood him a drink and asked him:"Well, now, that was really a first class performance, I can hardly believe my eyes. Tell me, this strength of yours... last time I saw you, it was just a walnut, now it's a coconut, what's it going to be next time?""Bah, strensh," he mumbled, a bit soused, "sh's got nutting to do with strensh, no it hashn't, no shaa. It'sh shust that my fuckin' eyeshight's gotten worse..."
One day, after I logged in to my e-mail account, I discovered that new mail was waiting for me in my mail box. The lengthy message was prefaced by the heading:
One day, after I logged in to my e-mail account, I discovered that new mail was waiting for me in my mail box
. The lengthy message was prefaced by the heading:
"From: Maildemon@: Your message could not be sent ..etc" " Reason: Address unknown..."
Upon scanning this returned letter, I discovered that it had not been written by me at all, and that the intended recipient and sender were thousands of miles away, apparently the unfortunate victims of a random mailer screw-up. The first sentence of that letter, though, I will always remember:
"My dearest Janice:" "At last, we have a method of non-verbal communication which is completely private... "
You might think you know these silly product lables, we see them every day. But have you ever read the small print? It's all there...
The best one last! Not really a product label, I know. But still, just imagine To me, this looks real enough.
What is the difference between a used-car salesman and a computer salesman? The used-car salesman knows when he's lying to you!
Try again: What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman? The car salesman can probably drive!
A computer salesman, a hardware engineer, and a software engineer are driving in a car together. Suddenly the right rear tire blows out, ahd the car rolls to a stop. Our three heroes pile out to investigate.
The salesman tsk-tsks sadly. "Time to buy a new car!" he announces. Says the hardware engineer, "Well, first let's try swapping the front and rear tires, and see if that fixes it." Replies the software engineer,"Naw, let's just try driving the car again, and maybe the problem will go away by itself."
A doctor, an engineer, and a programmer were debating what the world's oldest profession was (other than the obvious one)? The doctor said that medicine was the oldest because the Lord performed surgery in the removal of Adam's rib.
The engineer countered that before that act, the Lord had performed feats of engineering by creating the earth and heavens from nothing.
The doctor conceded that the engineer was right and that engineering was indeed the oldest profession.
But then the programmer interjected that programming was even older. He was chided by both the doctor and the engineer saying that engineering had to be the oldest, because before the Lord engineered the earth and heavens, there was nothing, only the Great Void, only Chaos! The programmer simply smiled and said: "Where do you think the Chaos came from? "
One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.''
How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "We'll document it in the manual."
How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "The user can work it out."
"All that was meant to bore you shitless."
- I. Goulden Combinatorics and Optimization 230
This is also a supplement to my Bourne-End-isms. The following ini file is a joke, of course. It was just dreamed up as a way to get some fun out of testing software that would not work. Remember the days of Win3.x, when one had to tweak around with *.ini files? Have some fun with this
N ot sure whether this guy is Santa Claus or perhaps your System Administrator? I'm not surprised; very often Santa is taken for a Systems Admin and vice versa. Ever wondered why? Read the amazing truth on this page!
N ot sure whether this guy is Santa Claus or perhaps your System Administrator? I'm not surprised; very often Santa is taken for a Systems Admin and vice versa. Ever wondered why? Read the amazing truth on this page!
An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes, which can be made, in a very narrow field.
University of Copenhagen, Physics Department. Final Exams for Master Degree, the year is 1909. One of the questions asked went like this:
4. Describe how to determine the height of a high rise building with the aid of a barometer.
One student replied:
"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, lower the barometer from the roof of the high rise building to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will determine the height of the building."
This highly original answer so incensed the examiners that the student was failed immediately. He appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but, however, did not display any noticeable proficiency in physics.
To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in again and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics. For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in deep thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which one to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:
"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the highriser, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer.
"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper. "But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sq root(l / g).
"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.
"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building. But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."
The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane so far to win the Nobel prize for Physics.
And lo! The Lord of the OS did come down among His sheep and He sayeth, "Thou shalt pay Bill Gates and he will deliver unto you my product. I am your WinXP, your GUI. Thou shalt not have false GUI's on machines before me."
And the Lord said, "16-bit applications are evil! I am sorry, I ever created them. I shall smite them with my RAM rod and start all over. Thou shalt buy new computers." And the prophet Intel came forward and said, "But Lord, what about backward compatibility? What about the tribes of the 8086 and the 80386 ?" And, lo, the Lord became angry and said, "Compatibility is irrevelant. Thou shalt be assimilated." And the consumers gathered around Bill Gates and the Tower of Microsoft, and they asked, "Prophet, how much must we spend on salvation? Seven times our investment?" And Bill Gates turned to the crowd and said unto them, "Nay, consumers, not seven but seventy times seven times your investment. Only then shall you be saved." And the consumers did as they were told. But the product did not work and they grew angry, and they cried out to the Lord, "Lord, we have done as your prophet asked us to do, but the product does not work! Our machines, they run slow! Our applications, they do not run." And the Lord sayeth unto them, "I tell you this, it is easier for Alice Cooper to enter the Gates of Heaven than for a Pentium to run Windows 95." And as the masses did come forward, I saw inscribed upon their heads W95, the number of the Bill. And the Prophet Bill, for that was who it must have been, he raiseth his right hand and broke the first seal, saying "Behold the seal of Microsoft. By the braking of this seal you are bound unto whatever the contract within may say." And as the seal was broken, all the great empires around the world were set upon with famine and floods and swarms of bugs like never seen before and the great anguish befell them all. And lo, the Prophet Bill held up the scroll and said, "Behold, the second seal! I shall not break it today, but rather I shall break it soon, like perhaps next week, or maybe the week after. Thou shalt wait expectantly for its breaking, and shall not produce any work until that time shall come."
Well, that's it. You've thought you were through with your maths. But have a look at this one...
The two figures look exactly the same size. But hold it! There seems to be something terribly wrong with them. The lower one seems to be one square less in size. But why?
Any ideas what's wrong with this?
The other day I took some friends of mine out to a new restaurant. When the waiter took our order, I noticed that he carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when another waiter brought our water and utensils, I noticed that he too had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Looking around the restaurant I saw that all the staff seemed to have spoons in their pockets.
The other day I took some friends of mine out to a new restaurant. When the waiter took our order, I noticed that he carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when another waiter brought our water and utensils, I noticed that he too had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Looking around the restaurant I saw that all the staff seemed to have spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon? ""Well," he explained, "half a year ago, the restaurant's owners hired Anderson Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift."As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now", he said.I was rather impressed.The waiter served our main course and I continued looking around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the other waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. Now I got really curious and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?""Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned earlier also found out that we can save time in the restroom. See, by tying this string to the tip of the penis, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash our hands, thus shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.""Okay, that makes sense", I said, "but . . . if the string helps you get it out, how in hell do you get it back in again?""Well", he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others but . . . as for me, I use the spoon."
Every time I hear the "Squeaking Wheelbarrow", I know that there is some more work approaching. People are constantly unloading work they have started, but don't want to finish at my office door. Well, I'm nearing retirement now, so they can't lick me much longer. Still, this calls for some humor:Like it or not, on this page you find things that I think funny.
Every time I hear the "Squeaking Wheelbarrow", I know that there is some more work approaching. People are constantly unloading work they have started, but don't want to finish at my office door. Well, I'm nearing retirement now, so they can't lick me much longer. Still, this calls for some humor:
Like it or not, on this page you find things that I think funny.
As 'Ye Olde Wheelbarrow' spins and spins, this page starts growing longer and longer and I finally felt there was some need for structure. So this is what I did: I split this page up in sections.
Creation or how God Created Ye Olde Computer.
The Gospel According to Gates A Christmas Carol, courtesy of Mr. Gates. Gates in Heaven Bill Gates knocking at the doors of Heaven. Shakespeare à la Microsoft Find out the real McBill play, never completed by the great Playwright. Is Windows a Virus ? What you always wanted to know, but never dared to ask, courtesy of Mr. Gates. Windows Error Messages Some of these you have probably not yet encountered... Salesmen is something about Salesmen and Software Engineers and the Empire of the Bill. If Microsoft sold cars What a frightening pespective! Find out more. System Admins vs. Santa Claus Do they have anything in common ? Find out more. A Question of Support Normally you are not amused by the behaviour of support people. But have you ever considered the other end? Find out more. The Computer Novice's Vade Mecum Perhaps not everything, but some of the things, facts and technical terms that are never explained to the newcomer. L'ordinateur How stundents learn French - and about computers
Windows Source Code Why Bill Gates wants to keep this a secret Morning Prayer The computer user's little morning prayer from the common prayer book of Gates.
Murphology You know Edsel G. Murphy? No, you may have heard about Murphy's Law. Things often tend to go from bad to worse, and Murphy recognised and phrased that. Darwin Award Learn about the famous Darwin Award: This year's winner portrayed. Product Labels Some people want to make sure you understand the writing on the wall.... Private Communication? about the hassels of e-mail. The Barometer Problem about the hassels of obtaining a Nobel Prize. 4 feet and 8 1/2 inches The secret of railway track gauges revealed. Questionnaire If you have recently bought a fighter plane you might recognize this....
Bourne End-isms is a collection of things people involved in a software project have uttered at times of distress.
Murphy in C++ is a supplement to Bourne End-isms. It describes the struggles of a software engineer in getting things he doesn't know about, just about right.
St. John's INI is also a supplement to Bourne End-isms.
The Spoon A selected joke. Nuts to You Another selected joke. Just a Glass of Water Still another selected joke. Blondes Are you a blonde? Keep away from this - You won't like it In the Garden of Eden Another selected joke. Italian Letter A letter from an Italian tourist who is not quite satisfied with his hotel in London. High Anxiety Tower? We have an emergency...
One Night Stand and other delights The Mark Parisi section. The Hole A Maths Riddle. See, what you can make of it - proof? Five Questions the caring wife should never ask her husband. George W. Bush 43rd President of the United States of America - an hommage. Answering Machines Some really good texts for your telephone answering machine. Are you an American? Find out with this simple multiple joice test! Bumper Stickers These are the funny ones. About chocolate Find out why chocolate is much better than sex. Amazing Discoveries The most amazing things you always wanted to know.
Well, we all know, Windows is weird.... Just look at these most enlightening error messages...
Well, we all know, Windows is weird.... Just look at these most enlightening error messages...
This one is really cheeky. Who would havethought that Windows tries faking files?
In bright daylight it has to be seen that if anything here is too fat, it's got to be Windows itself...
We all thought, it was a only joke, the one about the user who asked support which key was the 'any-key'. Now it looks as if Windows is not sure either...
Who said, Windows is stable?It seems, it can't chew this...
At least this one looks cheerful enough. So long as nobody actually tries to follow the hint...
Who says senile, huh?
To be truthful, things were not really better in the old days. Perhaps you still remember the times of Windows 3.x or even the times when there was no Windows at all but simply DOS? Mind-boggling messages, cryptic as they come along with Windows were not unknown then. Have a look at these...
W e all would be ever so thrilled if we could just get a glimpse of the original Windows source code. Microsoft keeps this a well-guarded secret.For the first time ever it's possible for you and me to have a look at how Windows is really made....