• 4 feet and 8 1/2 inches

    Railroadtracks track gauges are the same in many parts of the world. Whether you look in the U.S or in Europe, it's either 4 foot and 8 and a half inches or 1435 mm respectively - which is exactly the same. Not a handy figure and you might wonder how come engineers started using exactly this weird figure.


    Well, first of all, railroads were first built in Britain, so the foot-and-inch angle is easy to understand. Besides, railroads in the U.S were constructed in the 1840s by British immigrants, so it was logical for them to use the same gauge they knew from the Old World.

    But still, why did the British use 4' 8 1/2" ?

    Now, because the first tracks in Briatin were built by the same people that built the tramways and horsecars before railroads came along. And they built those tracks using 4' 8 1/2". Because they used the same tools and implements they already had for building coaches and wagons. Coaches that had all a wheel spacing of 4 feet 8 1/2 inches and wagons with wooden spoke wheels whose life span was quite short on the deeply rutted long distance freight roads. The teams had to stay in the ruts formed over the long centuries since the roads had been built, or the wagons risked breakdowns. Ruts that had a 4 feet and 8 1/2 inches gauge.

    But who had build the roads? Well, not only in Britain, all over Europe long distance roads had been built by the Roman Empire that needed to move around her legions quickly all over the continent. It seems the first ruts on those roads were made by roman war chariots, whose axle span had to be such that it would line up behind two fat war horses. And that seems to have been 4 feet and 8 1/2 inches all over the Roman Empire.

    Voilà l'éxplanation - this explains a lot.

    So, if ever you look at a set of specs that doesn't seem right and you ask yourself "What horse's arse has desinged these?" - You'll know where that expression comes from. It's the arses of Roman Emperial horses. And the gauge is still 4 feet and 8 1/2 inches.

    Now, coming back from the Roman Empire into todays modern world... if you look at a space shuttle sitting on its launching pad, you see the two solid rocked boosters on both sides of the main fuel tank. They look oddly narrow on the shuttle, and you might ask yourself, what horse's arse hasn't made them any wider. These RSRBs [Re-usable Solid Rocket Boosters], as they call them are manufactered by Thiokol Propulsion, a company in Brigham City, Utah. The specs had originally indeed called for a wider rocket body. But the things have to be transported to and from the plant by railroad, as they are - even taken apart for transportation - to big to be shipped around on roads. And as Utah is in the Rockies, there's a tunnel on railway line to the Thiokol plant. And the tunnel is only slightly wider than the railroad track. And the railroad track has the gauge of two Empirial Roman War Horse Arses.

    So, we've come to realise that some of the specs for a very modern transport system has been laid down more than 2000 years ago by the span of two horse's behinds......


  • A question of support

    Good morning. supportphone This is computer support inc.
    Can I help you?
    Befuddled PC users flood phone help lines,
    and no questions seems to be too basic....

    The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. The technician made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked the woman what happened when she pushed the power button.
    "I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," the woman replied. "Foot pedal?" the technician asked. "Yes," the woman said, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch." The "foot pedal," it turned out, was the computer's mouse, a hand-operated device that helps to control the computer's operations.


    One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual, says Steve Smith, Dell director of technical support, the woman replied angrily,"I just paid $2,000 for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read a book."


    A customer called Compaq's help center in Houston, Texas, who said her brand new Contura would not work. She said she had unpacked the unit, plugged it in, opened it up and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"


    Another customer called to complain that "The cup holder has broken off my computer. I want a replacement, there still warranty on my machine!" The support technician, completely fazed, asked him "excuse me, did you say cup holder?"
    "Yes, it's a little tray, that comes out of the computer and where you can place your cup of coffee. It broke of yesterday. It's a bit of a flimsy thing and I want you to tell me how to proceed to get it repaired".
    "Yes, now let us see. Did this thing come as a promotional gift with your PC", the technician asked, "does it have a label or does it say anything on it?"
    "Oh, not much", the customer replied, "just the words 20x."
    At this point, the technician had to mute the phone. The customer, it turned out, had taken his CD ROM drive for a cup holder.


    So many people have called to ask where the "any" key is when "Press Any Key" flashes on the screen that Compaq is considering changing the command to "Press Return Key."


    One customer complained that her mouse was hard to control with the "dust cover" on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. Dell technician Wayne Zieschang says one of his customers held the mouse and pointed it at the screen,all the while clicking madly. The customer got no response because the mouse works only if it's moved over a flat surface.


    A customer was having trouble reading word-processing files from his old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, he was asked what else was being done with the diskette. The customer's response: "I put a label on the diskette, roll it into the typewriter..."


    Another customer dutifully complied with a technician's request that she send in a copy of a defective floppy disk. A letter from the customer arrived a few days later, along with a Xerox copy of the floppy.


    And at Dell, a technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and "close the door." Asking the technician to "hold on," the customer put the phone down and was heard walking over to shut the door to his room. The technician meant the door to his floppy drive.


    The software inside the computer can be equally befuddling. A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.


    No realizing how fragile computers can be, some people end up damaging parts beyond repair. A Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it, he said, filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking his keyboard for a day, and then removing all the keys and washing them individually.


    Computers make some people paranoid. A Dell technician, Morgan Vergara, says he once calmed a man who became enraged because "his computer had told him he was bad and an invalid." Mr. Vergara patiently explained that the computer's "bad command" and " invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.


    An IBM customer phoned in because he had problems installing some new software. "I inserted the first diskette like it says on the sheet. When it said I should insert the second floppy, I did so, even though it was not easy. Now I'm asked to put in the third one, but I can't put it into the drive. There's no more room!"


    I was working for a bigger company when another guy in our (computer) department came into my office in hysterical laughter. He told me he had just fielded a question from a woman whose department had gotten PCs installed two months previously. (Not by our group, we wrote software.)
    She told him her problem, and he figured out that a few files were lost from a floppy disk. "Do you make backups?" he asked hopefully.
    "Oh, yes, we were instructed to copy all of our data disks every day."
    "Well, put the backup copy in the computer, and I'll show you how to restore the files."
    "You mean put it in the printer?"
    "Huh? Put it in the disk drive."
    "How am I going to do that?"
    You see, each night they used a Xerox machine to copy their disks, and neatly stored the pictures of each disk in a filing cabinet. My response was to suggest that we fax them a new copy of their disk.

  • Amazing Discoveries

    einsteinWell, here's a few amazing things you probably
    haven't heard before:

    • If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of tea.
      (Hardly seems worth it!)

    • If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
      (Now that's more like it!)

    • The human hearts creates enough pressure when it pumps blood around the body, it can squirt blood 30 feet. (OMG!)

    • A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
      (In my next life I want to be a pig!)

    • Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
      (I don't really care.I'm still not over that pig thing.)

    • The ant can lift 50 times it's own weight, can pull 30 times it's own weight and always falls over on it's right side when intoxicated.
      (Who the hell discovered that?)

    • A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.

    • The male praying mantis cannot copulate while it has a head. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.
      (Now that's girl power!)

    • Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
      (In my next life I still want to be a pig. Quality over quantity!!

    • Butterflies taste with their feet. (Okay.)

    • Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
      (Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

    • An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
      (I know some people like that.)

    • Starfish don't have brains.
      (I know some people like that too.)

    • Polar bears are left-handed.
      (Who knew.who cares?)

    • Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
      (What about the pig????????)
  • An Italian Letter

    As beautiful as the Italian language is, it is a language spoken not only with a tongue,
    but also with hand and foot.
    This makes the language often slightly difficult to understand in written form,especiallyroma_londonif an Italian feels himself obliged to express his thoughts in English.

    Read the amazing letter of an Italian to the hotel he stayed at while in Britain.


  • Answering Machines

    These are supposedly actual answeringansweringmachine
    machine announcements:

    1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

    2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

    3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

    4. Hi. Now you say something.

    5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

    6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

    7. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!

    8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

    9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

    10. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.

    11. Hi. I'm probably home,I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

    12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone´right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

    13. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.

    14. Please leave a message. However,you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

    15. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
  • Are you American?

    If we don't succeed,

    we run the risk of failure."americans

    (George W. Bush, Jr.)

    If your answer to the following questions is mostly (a)'s & (b)'s then you are a normal,
    well balanced individual. If you answer mostly (c)'s then sorry, you are indeed an American.

    1. You decide that the relationship with your partner is over. How do you break the news you are leaving?
      1. Leave a tearful note on the table and slip quietly away
      2. Calmly discuss the reasons with your partner for your decision
      3. Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering pumped-up in-breds on national television.
    2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park. What do you need to take?
      1. A ball
      2. A ball and 2 coats
      3. A ball 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armor, 20 cheerleaders, a marching sousaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley, and a team of orthopedic surgeons specialising in spinal injuries.
    3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over a rabbit. What do you do?
      1. Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it is still alive
      2. Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not, that it died quickly
      3. Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home hollering, whooping and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window.
    4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an awkward position. What do you do?
      1. Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses
      2. Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things.
      3. Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV evangelist faith healer in an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on you head, whilst screaming about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering in breads.
    5. What do you have for breakfast?
      1. A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and a mug of tea
      2. Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of coffee
      3. A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six eggs sunny side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five corn dogs and a diet root beer.
    6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What sort of ceremony do you have?
      1. A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office
      2. A church service followed by a traditional reception at a hotel
      3. A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.
    7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult phase, becoming disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?
      1. Don't worry. Its just a phase and will pass
      2. Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team sports or join a youth club
      3. Take him to an armory and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons and enough ammunition to slaughter a small town.
    8. You fancy a night in watching something funny on TV. What kind of comedy do you choose?
      1. A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted
      2. A sketch show like the Two Ronnies or the Fast show
      3. A thinly disguised morality play set in a massive lounge where the audience whoop for ten minutes every time an overpaid actor with a superglued grin on his face makes an entrance to deliver a lightweight wisecrack.
    9. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your wife's dressing table. What do you do?
      1. Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt
      2. Make a mental note to move the table so it doesn't happen again
      3. Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation, and sue your wife's ass.
    10. There are peace talks in another part of the world. What do you do?
      1. Let them get on with it but offer your advice if needed
      2. Let them get on with it and offer help to both sides
      3. Ignore all parties wishes and protests and take over the talks.
    11. There are global concerns about the emissions from cars, do you:
      1. Introduce incentives to switch to cleaner cars
      2. Invent a new cleaner fuel
      3. Continue to use and invent dirtier cars, ignoring the global concerns about the emissions.
    12. There is a war in another part of the world, do you:
      1. Monitor to see if Human rights are being infringed and step in when necessary
      2. Monitor to see if Human rights are being infringed and bring the culprits to justice
      3. Invade the country flattening all buildings, fire at all allied and enemy airplanes killing people no matter which side they're on after all, a kill is a kill.
    13. Your city has been the victim of a terrorist attack. You should:
      1. Treat victims, clean up and find those responsible
      2. Treat victims, clean up and find those responsible and bring them to justice
      3. Treat victims, clean up and find those responsible, but continue to support and fund terrorist activities abroad.
    14. You're on holiday abroad, do you:
      1. Enjoy the local culture and food
      2. Enjoy the local culture and food but look forward to getting home
      3. Complain and whine that the country that you are visiting is nothing like ho

    This drawing represents the World According to the United States of America during George W. Bush's first term.


  • Blondes

    Casino Royale


    Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice. And she adds, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked."

    With that she takes off everything but her necklace and rolls the dice while yelling, "Mama needs new clothes." Then she yells, "YES, YES, YES!! I WON, I WON, I WON."

    She begins jumping up and down and hugging both of the dealers. Then she picks up her money and her clothes and quickly leaves.

    The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks,
    "What did she roll, anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching."

    Moral: Not all blondes are dumb.

    Road Check

    A road check. The police holds up all cars. A blonde in a sports car is being checked. "Can I see your driving permit, please?" the policeman asks.
    "Driving permit?" the blonde looks completely fazed. "Yes, you know, the thing with your picture on it," the policeman says. "Oh, that one. Why didn't you say so," the blonde pawes in her hand bag, digs out her powder compact, opens it, looks into the tiny mirror, smiles and hands the whole thing over to the policeman.
    "There's my picture". The policeman looks into the mirror "Aw, look, sorry, if I'd known you're in the forces yourself, I wouldn't have held you up."

    Moral: Same as above.


    51 DAYS

    A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to th bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days! " Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
    The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
    The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. . .the side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days !"

    Questions and Answers

    Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
    A: Alone.

    Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
    A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper

    Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
    A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

    Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
    A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

    Q: Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses?
    A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.

    Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
    A: They're too hard to peel.

    Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
    A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them.

    Q: Why does it work?
    A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"

    Q: How can you tell a blonde had a bad day?
    A: Her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn't know what she did with her cigarette.

    Q: What's brown and red and black and blue?
    A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.

  • Bourne End-isms

    Bourne End is a small community in the Thames Valley. A few years ago, I had to do
    a lot of business with a company there that I shall not name. I am also not prepared to tell
    anything about the nature of the business I was involved in. It involved developing software, that
    should be obvious from the context.
    The collection of Bourne End-isms, as they soon were called, presented here can never be complete,
    neither was it started by myself, but rather by a member of said company (that still shall not be
    named here).
    The persons that are mentioned as authors in the list really exist, and are named by their real
    names. I hope, this does not enrage them.
    I realise that this is something which is not easy to understand, it is something for insiders.
    There are some technical terms that perhaps need explanation. I have tried to provide a
    glossary at the end of this page. I have completed the collection as well
    as I could. Have fun.


    no Quote Author
    1 And remember, Phil - we´ll get the best automation system in the world. Beat´s standing phrase on saying good-bye to Phil
    2 Let's take "Gone With the Wind", for example...... Phil
    3 You sound like a train spotter calling it a 3410 all the time. Len
    4 Or we could have an audio card in all the PCs that would, if anything goes wrong, sound a
    female voice saying "Are you aware that driver PC 2 has just gone down ?"
    Phil, dreaming
    5 I think we should stop writing in C++ and change to Visual Objects immediately.
    It's data driven and better than Clipper. It's great.
    Richard, paraphrasing Peter K.
    6 Or let's take "Golden Girls", for example..... Phil
    7 I mean, it's just a line in ATRAN.INI, isn't it? Alan
    8 I'm acting as 'Entertainment Manager' now. Phil, on the first FAT
    9 The thing that annoys me is... Alan
    10 Two years I've been telling them... Alan
    11 The bottom line is.... Phil
    12 Autotran will be ready in a fortnight. Phil
    13 You have to take the afternoon off, I'm afraid. We have to sort things out for a bit. Phil, on second FAT
    14 At least we have good ethos. Tony, quoting Phil
    15 We know we should develop software that way but... Peter B., quoting
    16 The bug was caused by three words: 'Can you just...' Eric the late
    17 That might be the way other people develop software, that might be the way Microsoft develop software, but it's not the way we do it here. Phil, Duke of Bourne End
    18 It'll all be blown over by April, and if it isn't, then we're all out of a job. Ken (he was wrong like most of the time, it was blown in June and two years later at that)
    19 'Potentially, this document could be read by customers who wish to ensure that the Autotran software is designed, written and documented to a high standard' Ally, in his Database Design Document 24/11/94
    20 At least Steve knows Cstring is a class. Richard
    21 We have a lot of software that hasn't been written yet! John Davies
    22 That's tomorrow's problem. Phil
    23 There's a bug in your neural network. Anupam
    24 I'm glad that I did something right. Steve
    25 In November, we will be fatting two systems for the Canadians. Phil
    26 All you have to do is... Peter B.
    27 SNAFU is FUBAR. Anupam
    28 Give me an hour, and I'll have it in place. Peter B.
    29 This is typical bloody Rutter, I'll wring his f*#!ing neck!
    Entries £ 5 each, winner gets size of pot to date minus my 10%.
    Author can pay £ 10 to preserve anonymity. 'Step for a hint' in multiples of £ 1.00, non refundable.
    30 Something is not quite right here.... Steve
    31 I must see that my double glazing is being put in tomorrow. John Philipson
    32 Look, we move the database to the BOLLOCKS directory for the moment .., see?
    Kiddy Kidson
    33 When I interview a new engineer, I first make sure that he has shoes on. If so, I see whether they have laces on them and if so, I ask him to tie them. John Philipson
    34 Just drop us at Boulter's Lock, attaboy, Al! Chris
    35 The most important first... where do we go dinner time? John Philipson
    36 Let's remove all rubber doodahs. Chris
    37 To use a more technical expression... It's all fucked up. Chris, quoting Alan
    38 BUT YOU WANTED IT THAT WAY! Peter B. shouting at Beat
    39 We were never as close as this. Alan, during rehearsal period in Zurich
    40 We have to move everything to the BOLLOCKS directory. Chris, after rehearsal period in Zurich
    41 You look pissed off, Al. Chris, after rehearsal period in Zurich


    Abbrv. Factory Acceptance Test. This is a procedure where a customer wants to make sure that his product works as ordered and is ready to be shipped.

    References to Gone With the Wind and Golden Girls:
    Examples of a very long (won't fit on one tape) and a rather short TV programme (of the latter more than one episode fit on one tape) - that's what the project was all about, broadcasting TV programmes

    Autotran, 3410:
    product names

  • Bumper Stickers

    • Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

    • honk

    • Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

    • Does your train of thought have a caboose?

    • The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.

    • Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

    • Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

    • Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

    • Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.

    • Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

    • Earth is full. Go home.

    • Is it time for your medication or mine?

    • I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

    • I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

    • Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your Butt?


    • I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

    • Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

    • Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

    • Having an out of body experience. Back in five.

    • Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
  • Chocolate vs. Sex

    Is chocolate better than sex?
    Well, of course, it isn't.chocolate_keyboard
    but have you ever contemplated these?

    1. You can GET chocolate.

    2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

    3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

    4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

    5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

    6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

    7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

    8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

    9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

    10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

    11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

    12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

    13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

    14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

    15. You can have chocolate at anytime of the month.

    16. Good chocolate is easy to find.

    17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

    18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

    19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

    20. With chocolate size doesn't matter.

  • Computer terms in French

    For native English speakers, French is a painful languagemouse_mouse
    to learn. Not quite as painful as learning German, though.

    ordinateur (masculin): Un ordinateur est une machine électronique programmable de traitement automatique
    des données comprenant les organes nécessaires à son fonctionnement autonome.
    En France, dans les années 1950, on ne savait pas comment désigner ces nouvelles machines.
    Certains les appelaient «calculateurs» ou «calculatrices». Le terme anglais de computer était très utilisé.
    Le nom «ordinateur » a été proposé en 1955 par Jacques Perret, professeur à la Sorbonne.
    From: Yahoo! Encyclopédie

    A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like " chalk" or "pencil," she described, would have a gender association. For example: House is feminine -- "la" maison. In English, of course, words are of neutral gender. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

    The men decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender (la) because:

    • No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
    • The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
    • Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
    • As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

    The group of women, however, concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine (le) gender because:

    • In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
    • They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
    • They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
    • As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model
  • Computer Vade-Mecum

    Well, we all have to begin using computerser_southernwin
    one of these days. Don't laugh at these, you too
    were once a novice...

    Well, we all have to begin using computers
    one of these days. Don't laugh at these, you too
    were once a novice...

    A Few Definitions first:

    Nobody can tell you why, but most
    words in computer science are nouns.

    Computer : A device designed to speed and automate errors.
    Ethernet : Something to catch the etherbunny
    Mainframe : The biggest PC peripheral available.
    Programmer : A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
    Upgrade : Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
    Windows : Just another pain in the glass.

    ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI

    These are the questions you should never ask.
    Really never ask, not even your most trusted
    friends. Even when they know all about computers.
    Or, to be more precise, just because they know
    everything about computers.
    Because they won't know...

    1. Who's General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
    2. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
    3. Does fuzzy logic tickle?

    Computer Facts and Figures

    '640Kbytes ought to be sufficient for anybody'.
    - Bill Gates, 1981

    • All computers wait at the same speed.
    • Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
    • 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
    • Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
    • Buy a pentium IV / 1500 so you can reboot faster.
    • Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
    • Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
    • Real programmers don't document. "If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand."
    • As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
    • Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
    • If debugging is the process of removing bugs, programming must be the process of putting them in.

    At last, a few Practical Hints

    This is what you have been waiting for.
    At last, your patience is being rewarded:

    • Software has never bugs. It just develops random features.
    • Best file compression technique around: DEL *.* (=100% compression)
    • DOS Tip #39: Add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
  • Creation of the Computer

    I n the beginning, God created the bit.
    And the bit was a zero.
    And God saw the bit
    and saw that it was good.god_at_his_computer

    • On the first day, he toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low" signals didn't yet exist.)
    • On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasn't. God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the rest of the day (and his first all-nighter) reinstalling the universe.
    • On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!" And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized that "new and improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit. Many bits followed, but only one was so honored.
    • On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical shift' instructions. And the original bit discovered that -- by performing a single shift instruction -- it could become the Most Significant Bit. And God realized the importance of computer security.
    • On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of the ALU, with wonderful features, and said "Forget that add and shift stuff. Go forth and multiply." And God saw that it was good.
    • On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines, register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable instructions, micro interrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must have been a Monday.
    • On the seventh day, an engineering change request introduced Windows into the Universe, and it hasn't worked right since.
  • Darwin Award

    I  n the spirit of Charles Darwin, the Darwin Awards
    commemorate individuals who protecthighway our gene
    pool by making the ultimate sacrifice of their own lives.
    Darwin Award winners eliminate themselves in an
    extraordinarily idiotic manner, thereby improving our
    species' chances of long-term survival.

    Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed
    by a Coke machine which toppeld over on top of
    him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

    The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smouldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the side of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The police lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened.

    It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight strech of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

    The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds. The driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburns, basically causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20) seconds before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tyres and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.

    Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

    Ironically, a still-legible bumper sticker was found, reading "How do you like my driving? Dial 1-800-EAT-CRAP."

    Note: this story is widely held to be apocryphal.


    I have heard and seen this story in several places, also on the internet. The original © Copyright of this item lies at

  • Five Questions

    The top five questions a caring wife
    should never ask her husband.

    The five questions are:

    1. What are you thinking?
    2. Do you love me?
    3. Do I look fat?
    4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
    5. What would you do if I died?

    What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly. For example:

    1) "What are you thinking?"
    The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
    Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

    1. Baseball
    2. Football
    3. How fat you are.
    4. How much prettier she is than you.
    5. How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

    (The best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, " I'd be talking instead of thinking.")

    The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

    2) "Do you love me?"
    The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:

    1. I suppose so.
    2. Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
    3. That depends on what you mean by "love".
    4. Does it matter?
    5. Who, me?

    3) "Do I look fat?"
    The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room.
    Wrong answers include:

    1. I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
    2. Compared to what?
    3. A little extra weight looks good on you.
    4. I've seen fatter.
    5. Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

    4) "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
    The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."
    Wrong answers include:

    1. Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
    2. I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
    3. Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
    4. Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
    5. Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

    5) "What would you do if I died?"
    Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would of course hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:

    "Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
    "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
    "Would you remarry?", persevered the wife.
    "No, of course not, dear", said the husband.
    "Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
    "Of course I do, dear", he said.
    "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
    "Alright," said the husband," I'd remarry."
    "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
    "Yes" said the husband.
    "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
    "Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
    "I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
    "I suppose, if she wanted to", said the husband.
    "Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
    "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
    "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
    "Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed."

  • Gates in Heaven

    These are Bill-Gates-jokesbilldevil. Heard any new one lately?
    Send it to me, please.

    Bill Gates dies in a car accident

    He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.
    "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

    Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

    St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

    "Fine, but where should I go first?"

    "I'll leave that up to you."

    "Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

    So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

    "This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

    "Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

    Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

    Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

    "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

    "Fine,"retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."

    So Bill Gates went to Hell.

    Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

    "How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

    Bill responded, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???"

    "That was a demo," replied St. Peter.

    Gates Meets God Himself

    God brings Clinton, Yeltsin and Bill Gates to his office and says " Men, I've decided to bring an end to the world this Thursday -- I want you to go back and tell your people."

    Upon his return, Clinton holds a press conference and says "People of America, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that all these years we've been saying 'one nation under God' we've been right -- there is a God. The bad news is he is destroying the world on Thursday."

    Yeltsin makes an announcement to the Russian people and say "Brave comrads, I have bad news and bad news. The first bad news is that we've been wrong all these years -- there really is a God. The other bad news is he is going to destroy the world on Thursday."

    Bill Gates calls a board meeting of Microsoft. "I have good news and good news! " he tells them. "The first good news is that God called a meeting of the three people he thinks are the most important in the world and I was one of them. The other good news is that OS/2 stops shipping on Thursday."

  • George W. Bush

    George W. Bush was driving from Texas to New York and stopped in a bar on a quiet street and began drinking. After he was well past the legal limit, he stood up and shouted, "All Democrats are pigs!"
    Immediately, the barroom crowd set upon him and threw him out of the bar.
    After a few days, Mr. Bush stopped in the same bar on his way back to Texas and began drinking again. He stood up, but remembering what had happened last time, he shouted, "All Republicans are pigs," whereupon the crowd descended upon him and threw him out again.
    Lying on ground, he asked a passer by "Who the hell do these people vote for around here?"
    "You don't understand," the man replied. "They are all pig farmers."

    George W. Bush, sometimes lovingly called "Dubya" is not really well known for his - well - brainyness. History will show how good he really was as President of the United States of America. Here, I'll show you right now how good he really is. There's lot of stuff to be found on the internet about him, quotes and jokes. Have some fun with these:

    How many George Bushes does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Three: One to change the lightbulb, one to promise he'll do it better than anyone else, and one to obscure the issues.

    The American myth is that every boy can grow up to be President.
    The reality now is that the boy doesn't have to grow up.

    George W. Bush was driving from Texas to New York and stopped in a bar on a quiet street and began drinking. After he was well past the legal limit, he stood up and shouted, "All Democrats are pigs!"
    Immediately, the barroom crowd set upon him and threw him out of the bar. After a few days, Mr. Bush stopped in the same bar on his way back to Texas and began drinking again. He stood up, but remembering what had happened last time, he shouted, "All Republicans are pigs," whereupon the crowd descended upon him and threw him out again.
    Lying on ground, he asked a passer by "Who the hell do these people vote for around here?"
    "You don't understand," the man replied. "They are all pig farmers."

    Al Gore and Bush were in a restaurant ordering brunch. The waitress asks Gore what he would like to order. After looking at the menu, Al says, "I would like Eggs Benedict."
    The waitress says, "Fine, and what will you have, Governor Bush?"
    Perusing the menu, George says, "Well, I think I'd like to have a quickie."
    Taken aback, the waitress responds, "Why Gov. Bush, that's awful, and you're not even President yet!"
    Then Gore leans over and whispers into Bush's ear, "George, that's pronounced 'quiche.'"
    Bush responds - "Hey, you order what you want and I'll order what I want."

    Mr. Bush, repeat after me. I do solemnly swear
    - "I do solemonemoney swear..."
    - that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States
    - "... that I will fatally execute the official President of the United States... "
    - and will to the best of my ability
    - "... and will to the best of my abli-tilly..."
    - preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States
    - "... preservect defenestrate the United... the Constitual... the... um... of America."
    - So help me God.
    - "So help me. So help my dog. Oh, God, is it over?"

    ... G. W. Bush said that in Texas they guarded the border so closely they never had to worry about any guy named Manual Recount screwing up their election results.

    George W. Bush is now under treatment for two problems, electile dysfunction and premature congratulation

    ... Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
    Nearly 5,000 years later, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel; this is the Promised Land!"
    Now Bush Jr. wants to steal your shovels, kick your asses, raise the price of your Camels, and mortgage the Promised Land. Bush Jr. wants to change the Republican Party Emblem from an elephant to a condom, because it stands for inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives a false sense of security while one is being screwed.


    Further recommended study here....

  • George W. Bush Conversation

    An overheard Conversation between George W. and his National Security Advisor, Condolezza Rice:

    George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

    Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

    George: Great. Lay it on me.

    Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

    George: That's what I want to know.

    Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

    George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

    Condi: Yes.bush_cartoon

    George: I mean the fellow's name.

    Condi: Hu.

    George: The guy in China.

    Condi: Hu.

    George: The new leader of China.

    Condi: Hu.

    George: The Chinaman!

    Condi: Hu is leading China.

    George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

    Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

    George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

    Condi: That's the man's name.

    George: That's who's name?

    Condi: Yes.

    George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

    Condi: That's correct.

    George: Then who is in China?

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: Yassir is in China?

    Condi: No, sir.

    George: Then who is?

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: Yassir?

    Condi: No, sir.

    George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

    Condi: Kofi?

    George: No, thanks.

    Condi: You want Kofi?

    George: No.

    Condi: You don't want Kofi.

    George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

    Condi: Kofi?

    George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

    Condi: And call who?

    George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

    Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

    George: Will you stay out of China?!

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

    Condi: Kofi.

    George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

    (Condi picks up the phone.)

    Condi: Rice, here.

    George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

  • High Anxiety


    High Anxiety? "Not me!" you might say.
    Sure? Wait a minute and read on....
    Ever wondered what tower and pilot talk about on the radio?

    Here comes the amazing truth...

    These are allegedly genuine radio conversations between aircraft and traffic control

    Tower (at Stuttgart): Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots.

    Pilot: This is exactly like Frankurt. It's either 210 or 170. Never anything else; but we are soo flexible...
    Tower: So are we. Reduce to 173 knots.

    Tower: Phantom - formation crossing control district without clearance, state your call sign!
    Pilot: I'm not silly...

    Pilot: Tower, please call me a fuel truck.
    Tower: Roger. You are a fuel truck.

    Pilot: Condor 471, I'm waiting for my Follow-me.
    Tower: Negative, see yourself how you get to gate one-oh...

    Tower: Delta Delta Whiskey, use taxiway zero-two-nine Charlie and Mike to proceed to gate one-two.
    Pilot: Ah...taxiway zero-two-nine...?
    Tower: That's the small one to your left; you've just passed it.
    Pilot: Sorry
    Tower: Don't worry, take taxiway Mike.
    Pilot: Ah,...Mike ?
    Tower: That will be the last one, just before the end of the runway...

    Pilot: Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo established ILS one-six.
    Tower: Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land one-six, wind 5 knots zero-zero degrees and by the way: this is Vienna Tower.
    Pilot: (After a little while) Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed the outer marker.
    Tower: Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more: you are approaching Vienna!
    Pilot: (After a little while) Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?
    Tower: You can believe me, this is Vienna
    Pilot: But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!
    Tower: Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger. Discontinue approach, turn left heading oh-three-oh and climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava.

    Tower: Shamu two-two, please state estimated time of arrival.
    Pilot: Ok, let's see..., I think Tuesday would be nice...

    Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
    Pilot: Yes.
    Tower: Yes what??
    Pilot: Yes, SIR!

    LH741: Tower, give me a rough time check
    Tower: It's Thursday, Sir.

    Tower: Swissair eight-oh-nine, turn left heading directly for Trasadingen VOR. Do you need a radar vector ?
    Pilot: Negative, we are receiving VOR. It's directly where the moon stands.
    Tower: I couldn't say, I don't have the moon on my radar.

    Pilot: Apron, Interflug 195, requesting start-up.
    Apron: Sorry, Interflug 195, we don't have your flight plan. What is your destination ?
    Pilot: As always on Monday, we're flying to Leipzig.
    Apron: But it's Tuesday today!
    Pilot: What? Tuesday is our day off!

    Pilot: Tower, there's a runway light burning.
    Tower: I'm sure there must be dozens of lights burning.
    Pilot: Sorry, I mean it's smoking.

    Tower: Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading.
    Pilot: Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...

    Tower: Lufthansa 893, you're number one, check for workers on the taxiway.
    Pilot: Roger..... We've checked, they're all working.

    Tower: Delta Oscar Mike, squawk 0476.
    Pilot: Say again.
    Tower: Squawk 0476.
    Pilot: Four, zero...?
    Tower: Do you need an easier one?

    Tower: Delta Bravo Charlie, your squawk is really seven-zero-four-six?
    Pilot: Affirmative.
    Tower: I'll send you an excavator, your heigth is minus nine-zero feet.

    Tower: Lufthansa eight-six-one-oh cleared for take-off.
    Pilot (LH 8610): We haven't landed yet.
    Tower: Who's lined up on two-six south?
    Pilot (LH 8801): Lufthansa eight-eight-oh-one.
    Tower: Well, YOU're cleared for take-off then.

    Tower: Delta Mike Zulu, after landing cleared to taxi Alpha seven, Alpha five, Whiskey two, Delta one and Oscar two.
    Pilot: Where the hell's that, we're not that familiar with this port?
    Tower: Don't worry. I'm new here, too.

    Tower: Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you.
    Pilot: Roger. Looking out for John Wayne.

    Tower: Flamingo 019, do you have a Springbock in sight, twelve o'clock five miles crossing from left to right ?
    Pilot: If you mean a 737...?
    Tower: Yeah, you got it, you got it !

    Pilot: Frankfurt information, this is Delta Bravo Zulu. We're over Dinkelsbuhl flight level nine-five.
    Tower: Delta Bravo Zulu, you're requested to call Munich information!
    Pilot: I know, but I find your programme more exciting.

    Tower: DE..., turn downwind for runway two-six, you're number two behind a DC-9 turning base leg.
    Pilot: DE..., turning downwind for two-nine, following a DC-6.
    Tower: Not quite: Runway is two-six, traffic a DC-9.
    Pilot: Roger, follow a DC-26... what was the runway?

    Tower: Hotel Papa Oscar climb four thousand to six thousand and maintain.
    Pilot: Hotel Papa Oscar, climbing flight level one-hundred.
    Tower: Negative, Hotel Papa Oscar, climb to flight level six-zero and maintain.
    Pilot: But four plus six equals ten, no?
    Tower: You're to climb, not to add.

    Pilot trainee: Lichtenfels info, DEITN, turning base right for runway two-two for go and touch.
    Tower: DEITN, I got a request: Please first touch and then go.

    Tower: You have traffic at ten o'clock, six miles!
    Pilot: Give us another hint, we have digital watches!

    Tower: Mission triple-three, do you have problems?
    Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass.
    Tower: Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel..

    Pilot: Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM two-four-two request start up and push back, please.
    Apron: KLM two-for-two expect start up in two hours.
    Pilot: Please confirm: two hours delay?
    Apron: Affirmative.
    Pilot: In that case, cancel the good morning!

    Eggenfelden Info : D-EXXX pls. report persons aboard.
    D-EXXX (C-172) : Pilot and two pax and one dog.
    Eggenfelden Info (after Cessna finally bounced to a stop): Assume the Pilot-in-Command was the dog ?

    Pilot: FLX three-zero, Tower, we're running out of fuel, please advise!
    Tower: What's your position, I don't have radar contact!
    Pilot: We're lined up for runway two-nine and would like to know where the fuel truck is.

    Tower: Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery: German Air Force 269, you are cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation read back.
    Pilot: GAF 269: Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation and I need another pencil.

    Tower: Cannot read you, say again!
    Pilot: Again!

    Tower: What's your heigth and position?
    Pilot: Well, I'm 6 foot tall and I'm sitting front left.

    Tower: Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?
    Pilot: Negativ, Sir. It's only the same pilot.

    The following story was told by Salvatore Baia, a pilot who was waiting in his Cessna for take-off clarance one fine morning at Zurich Airport. The situation was this:
    Weather: clear, visibility: good. Take-off runway was two-eight, landing runway one-six, alternate one-four.

    Tower: Alitalia 194, you are cleared to taxi to runway two-eight; line up and hold. Expect take-off clearance shortly.
    AZ194: Ahhh, yes, taxi to two-eight-a and hold-a

    after 30 seconds...
    Tower: Alitalia 194, cleared for take-off
    AZ194: Ahhh, two minutes, need-a preflight checks

    again 30 seconds later...
    AZ194: Ehmmm, yes, yes, take off-a in two minutes

    ... In the mean time: runway one-six had a 737 with a wheel emergency and was blocked. All traffic had to use one-four. An approaching 767 from Cincinnati was guided downwind to land on two-eight. Its crew had been airborne for more than eight hours...

    Tower:Alitalia 194, expedite take-off, we have a Delta 767 on final two-eight 2 miles!
    AZ194: Ahhh, we need-a dirty more-a seconds...
    DL104: Hey Spaghetti, take-off now or I'll fuck you from behind!

    ... and AZ194 was taking off - gracefully like a Space Shuttle...

  • If Microsoft sold cars

    crashedCan pigs fly?
    Or cows?
    Could Microsoft build cars?
    And if yes, could they be sold at all?
    We don't know. But things would be different, that's for sure.

    Thirteen ways things would be different if Microsoft built cars:

    1. A Particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of before.
    2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
    3. Occassionally your car would just die for no reason and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this.
    4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car '95 or a car NT, but then you would have to buy more seats.
    5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. Wait a second, it's that way NOW!
    6. Sun Microsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.
    7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced with a single " General Car Fault" warning light.
    8. People would get excited about thew new features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.
    9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).
    10. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butts.
    11. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
    12. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
    13. Ford, General Motors, and Chrylser would all be complaining because Microsoft was putting radios in all its models.
  • In the Garden of Eden


    In the Garden of Eden, or to be more specific:

    The Little - Known Original Version of verses 27 and 28 of the Book Genesis.

    27One fine day Eve came up to God and said: "Oh God, I have a problem."
    God returned: "What is thy problem, oh child?"
    "God, I know Thou hast created me, Thou gavest this wonderful garden to me, Thou gavest me all these wonderful animals and Thou hast throwen in even this silly snake. But... still I feel not happy at times."

    "Why art thou not happy, my daughter?" came the question from above.
    "Oh God, I feel so lonely and I can't bear the sight of those apples any longer."
    "Well, Eve my daughter, I think there is something I can do for thee. I will create MAN!"
    "But what is this thing, MAN Thou speakest of, oh God?" Eve asked and sounded a bit uncertain.

    "Well", God mused, "this creature will be quite hairy. It will have lots of faults; it will lie to you, it will cheat on you, it will be vain and conceited. Methinks, it will make life difficult for you.
    "But it will be stronger than you, it will stand taller and it will move faster. It will hunt and kill animals; it will look quite ridiculous when it is excited, but since you are not happy, I will see that it can satisfy your bodily needs, too.

    "It will have no humour at all and loves to do childish things like fight against other MEN or run after a round thing across the pasture.
    "It won't be too clever, it will need your guidance to be reasonable."

    "That sounds too thrilling to be true" Eve said ironically "but tell me, oh God, where is the snag?"

    "Well, thou canst have this thing but on one condition" God said severely.
    "What condition, please, oh God?" Eve asked.

    "As I mentioned, this MAN will be vain and conceited. It will admire itself most.... therefore thou must let itself believe that IT was first, that I created MAN before I created woman. That thou must promise me, it will remain a secret amongst us WOMEN."
    28And God said to Eve: "Understood? Good, now be fruitful and multiply, and fill the Earth and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air and over every living thing that moves upon the earth."

    Further recommended study: Michelangelo's Eve

  • Is Windows a virus?

    The picture to the right shows William Gates III eating a billgates
    freshly home-made cream-and-lemon pie handed to him
    by one of his supporters.

    Question: Is Windows a virus?
    Answer: No, Windows is not a virus.

    Here's what viruses do:

    • They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that, too.
    • Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- okay, Windows does that, too.
    • Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows does that, too.
    • Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programmes and systems -- Sigh, okay, Windows does that, too.
    • Viruses will occasionally make the users suspect their system is too slow -- okay, Windows does that, too.
    • Maybe Windows is a virus after all?

    Until this point it seemed Windows is a virus, but we discovered fundamental shortcomings:
    Viruses generally are well-supported by their authors, run on most systems of their chosen type, are frequently updated, use program code that is fast, elegant, compact and efficient, and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature!

    These are categorical, but consistent, characteristics of viruses, which are inconsistent with Windows. We must therefore disqualify it.
    Win95 is not a virus --- It's a bug.


  • Just a Glass of Water


    I t was already getting late and I was still hanging at the bar of my local pub when suddenly the door was ripped open and this guy came running in and asked for a glass of water from the bartender.
    The guy drank it down in one gulp then asked for a second glass. Six glasses later, and he had recovered enough to speak.

    "Thanks," he croaked.

    "That's one hell of a thirst you've got," said the bartender.

    The guy says, "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't."

    "Where's your car then?" the landlord asks.

    "Just outside, at the roadside," the guy gasps.

    "Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I go out and take your place."

    "Be my guest, the broad's a nympho. She'll do anybody."

    So the bartender goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. They get right down to it, humping away. Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple.

    "What's going on here?" he asks.

    "It's all right, officer," explains the bartender. "She's my wife."

    "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize..."

    "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."

  • Mark Parisi

    These cartoons posted by kind permission of the author. Find many more at

    onenightstand winter04

    tv25 computer01

    computer02 computer05

    computer07 computer14

    cat01 cat03

  • McBillth

    The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:bard
    O great Oracle, the one who sees all and knows all, please accept this humble question from thy grovelling supplicant...
    Why is Windows so bug-ridden it makes you believe it's still a Beta? And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    THE SCENE: A dark antechamber of the Gates estate, dimly lit by three 20" monitors suspended from the ceiling. In the midle of the room is a Pentium/100 MHz, sheathed in a black casing. Three programmers dance around the machine, chanting horribly. Their pale, clammy complexion is cast hideously by the light of the monitors, rendered even more repugnant to the watchful eye by the 60Hz flicker of the monitors.

    FIRST PROGRAMMER: Thrice the brinded net hath mewed.
    SECOND PROGRAMMER: Thrice, and once the Warp-pig whined.
    THIRD PROGRAMMER: MacHarpier cries. 'Tis time, 'tis time!
    FIRST PROGRAMMER: Round about the terminal go;
    In the poisoned upgrade throw.
    Code, which by a student done
    In minutes numbering sixty-one.
    Run-time error, protection fault,
    Crash ye first, crash ye shalt.

    [as they dance around the Pentium]:

    Double, double, toil and trouble;
    Tempers burn and data bubble.

    SECOND PROGRAMMER: Fillet of a Sound Card bake,
    In the Pentium no sound make;
    Point of arow, click of mouse,
    Scream of user, frightened spouse.
    OS/2's net use appeal,
    Steve Job's look and Wozniak's feel.
    For a charm of powerful trouble,
    Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.
    ALL: Double, double, toil and trouble;
    Tempers burn and data bubble.
    THIRD PROGRAMMER: Click "Start" button, speed of slug,
    You would think you forgot the plug.
    Multitasking, ha ha ho
    If just one worked you'd be good to go.
    This should grab those straggling few
    Who aren't using DOS 6.22.
    Now we shall the Mac eclipse,
    While curse words cross our users' lips.
    Leave the errors in so we can fix
    And sell more...Windows 96!
    And so we will release the Beta
    For corruption of their data.
    ALL: Double, double, toil and trouble;
    Users buy, our profits double.
    SECOND PROGRAMMER: Compile it with errors through,
    Since the users have no clue.
    [Enter BillGate to the other three programmers.]
    BillGate: O well done! I commend your pains,
    And everyone shall share i' the gains.
    And now about the program get,
    But NEVER use it on OUR net.
    Security is scarce put in.
    [Beeps of PONG heard in the background.]
    [Exit BillGate.]
    SECOND PROGRAMMER: By the usage of my UMBs
    Wicked Windows this way comes.
    Open locks,
    Whoever knocks!
    [Fade to black.]

    Remember, Obsolescence isn't an accident, it's an art form.

    You owe the Oracle a signed, handwritten manuscript of MacBeth, and a copy of the Windows upgrade for the P6.

  • McDonnell Douglas Customer Support

    f14This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas Website
    by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humour.
    The company, of course, does not have a sense of humour,
    and made the web department take it down immediately.
    (for once, the ´IMPORTANT´ note at the end is worth a read too!)

    1. Title

    [_] Mr.
    [_] Mrs.
    [_] Ms.
    [_] Miss
    [_] Lt.
    [_] Gen.
    [_] Comrade
    [_] Classified
    [_] Other

    First Name:.....................................................
    Last Name......................................................
    Password:.............................. (max. 8 char)
    Code Name:......................................................
    Latitude-Longitude-Altitude:........... ...........

    2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

    [_] F-14 Tomcat
    [_] F-15 Eagle
    [_] F-16 Falcon
    [_] F-117A Stealth
    [_] Classified

    3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19.../... /...
    4. Serial Number:...............................................
    5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:

    [_] Received as gift / aid package
    [_] Catalogue / showroom
    [_] Independent arms broker
    [_] Mail order
    [_] Discount store
    [_] Government surplus
    [_] Classified

    6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:

    [_] Heard loud noise, looked up
    [_] Store display
    [_] Espionage
    [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
    [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
    [_] Was attacked by one

    7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

    [_] Style / appearance
    [_] Speed / manoeuvrability
    [_] Price / value
    [_] Comfort / convenience
    [_] Kickback / bribe
    [_] Recommended by salesperson
    [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
    [_] Advanced Weapons Systems
    [_] Backroom politics
    [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

    8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:

    [_] North America
    [_] Iraq
    [_] Iraq
    [_] Aircraft carrier
    [_] Iraq
    [_] Europe
    [_] Iraq
    [_] Middle East (not Iraq)
    [_] Iraq
    [_] Africa
    [_] Iraq
    [_] Asia / Far East
    [_] Iraq
    [_] Misc. Third World countries
    [_] Iraq
    [_] Classified
    [_] Iraq

    9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:

    [_] Colour TV
    [_] VCR
    [_] ICBM
    [_] Killer Satellite
    [_] CD Player
    [_] Air-to-Air Missiles
    [_] Space Shuttle
    [_] Home Computer
    [_] Nuclear Weapon

    10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation? (Indicate all that apply:

    [_] Communist / Socialist
    [_] Terrorist
    [_] Crazed
    [_] Neutral
    [_] Democratic
    [_] Dictatorship
    [_] Corrupt
    [_] Primitive / Tribal

    11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

    [_] Deficit spending
    [_] Cash
    [_] Suitcases of cocaine
    [_] Oil revenues
    [_] Personal cheque
    [_] Credit card
    [_] Ransom money
    [_] Traveller´s cheque

    12. Your occupation:

    [_] Homemaker
    [_] Sales / marketing
    [_] Revolutionary
    [_] Clerical
    [_] Mercenary
    [_] Tyrant
    [_] Middle management
    [_] Eccentric billionaire
    [_] Defence Minister / General
    [_] Retired
    [_] Student

    13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:

    [_] Golf
    [_] Boating / sailing
    [_] Sabotage
    [_] Running / jogging
    [_] Propaganda / misinformation
    [_] Destabilisation / overthrow
    [_] Default on loans
    [_] Gardening
    [_] Crafts
    [_] Black market / smuggling
    [_] Collectibles / collections
    [_] Watching sports on TV
    [_] Wines
    [_] Interrogation / torture
    [_] Household pets
    [_] Crushing rebellions
    [_] Espionage / reconnaissance
    [_] Fashion clothing
    [_] Border disputes
    [_] Mutually Assured Destruction

    Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.
    As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

    Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
    Marketing Department Military,
    Aerospace Division

    IMPORTANT: This form is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored.
    No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the kelpie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you.
    Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft.
    However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets.

    If you have received this form in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites and place it in a warm oven for 40 minutes. Whisk briefly and let it stand for 2 hours before icing.

  • Michelangelo's Eve

    Not much really, but here we go:


  • Morning Prayer

    Our Morning Prayer:bible

    Our Hard Drive
    Which art internal
    Volume C by name;
    Thy code be clean,
    Thy fonts be seen
    On screen as they are on paper.
    Give us this day our documents,
    And lead us not into fragmentation
    But deliver us our data.
    For thine is the SCSI,
    And the EISA, and the NuBus,
    Forever and Ever,

  • Murphology

    hipfaniEdsel G. Murphy was the one who recognised that If anything can go wrong, it will.

    Well perhaps Murphy did not really exist at all, we don't know for sure. But his Law exists and we all know it's very real. Murphy was not the only wise guy who phrased things in his struggle to explain the unexplainabel. There are books about Murphy's and other people's Law-finding exercises. Me too, I collect such things and I would like to give you my findings.

    The Sinatra Simplification

    (Or How Things Will Get Screwed With Time)

    To be is to do (Seneca)

    To be or not to be (Shakespeare)

    To do is to be (Sartre)

    Do be do be do (Sinatra)

    The Fan Principle

    When the shit hits the fan, it hits it hard.

    When it hits the fan slowly, there will be more smear.

    The Carr Theorem

    To use a more technical expression: It's fucked up.

    Chris' Corollary to the Carr Theorem:
    A nice fuck-up is still a fuck-up.

    The Gates Philosophy

    The Earth is flat and My $oftware™ flawless.

    The First Principle of Multimedia

    What is Multimedia?

    Multimedia is when Window$™ crashes with a very loud noise.

    Henne's 6 Phases of Systems Engineering
    or the "Why Couldn't We Make It Work Principle

    1. Enthusiasm
      "Why, what a wonderful idea..."

    2. Confusion
      "Couldn't it be there's a simpler way to...?"

    3. Sobering up
      "We have to look at this a bit closer..."

    4. Quest for the Guilty
      "Make room, we have to see more clearly..."

    5. Prosecution of the Innocent
      "It looks you've got a blot in your copybook..."

    6. Decoration of all Uninvolved
      "Work's been done, let's move on"
  • Murphy in C++

    This is a supplement to my Bourne End-isms.
    The following code lines were found in a C++ module
    of a piece of software as it was being tested:

    // This function is called when the current Event On-Air has completed but
    // the Next Event is Not ready to Start.
    // The purpose of this function is to determine whether to keep the
    // Current Event On-Air
    // Until the Next Event is Taken to Air, or to Route the Fall Back to Air.
    // Consider: If this destination is a break-away destination then when the
    // current event completes the Fall Back Follow source should be routed
    // to Air so that this break-away destination will return to follow the
    // Clean Feed Output.
    // However, if there is a genuine 'gap' in the schedule, such the clean
    // feed preset event is not valid to take to air, but the On-Air event has
    // completed, then the Fall Back Source should be routed to the
    // Clean Feed output.
    // The answer to the question of whether to keep the current event
    // On-Air or Route the Fall Back depends upon the reason for not taking
    // the Preset Event to Air.
    // Basically - if the preset event would be taken to air on a 'time-only'
    // basis but has not been
    // taken to air (pre-requisite for calling this function), then the
    // Current Event should be kept on-air, as it is reasonable to assume
    // that the reason the preset event was not taken to air
    // is because it is waiting for the manual take.
    // If the preset event could not be taken to air on a 'time-only' basis
    // then a 'gap' in the schedule exists, hence route the fall back.
    // If you've read this far then you must be:-
    // a) Confused
    // b) Determined to understand what's going on.
    // To save you a lot of time complaining about this software
    // (and it's author), I'll come clean.
    // This is a bodge.
    // Do I have a defense?... well, it's gone midnight and the Swiss
    // will be on site in the morning for an acceptance test.
    // So I've put this bodge in, you know 'just for now' and I'll
    // come back and fix it later when I've got more time... or will I?

    BOOLEAN DestinationSchedule::KeepCurrentEventOnAir (AssignSchedule pPresetEvent)

  • Nuts to You


    I was sitting in my pub the other night when I saw an old gentleman coming up to the bar. I knew him from old times and he was the one with this renowned trick of his that he would perform on the rare occasions when he was lit a bit:
    He would take a walnut out of his pocket, put it on the bar, take out his penis from his fly and smite it to small pieces with it.

    "Well, now, daddy", I said to him, "will there be a show tonight, huh?"
    He looked carefully around and he realised, that all the people around us were watching him expectantly.
    Carefully he searched his pockets and finally extracted a coconut from his left trouser pocket. The patrons fell silent as he laid it lovingly on the table and patted it for a bit.

    Then, he fumbled open his fly, quietly took out his thing, and swoosh - the nut was all splinters.
    There was a standing ovation from the spectators - it lasted for minutes.

    When the room had quietened down finally and I could make myself heard again, I stood him a drink and asked him:
    "Well, now, that was really a first class performance, I can hardly believe my eyes. Tell me, this strength of yours... last time I saw you, it was just a walnut, now it's a coconut, what's it going to be next time?"

    "Bah, strensh," he mumbled, a bit soused, "sh's got nutting to do with strensh, no it hashn't, no shaa. It'sh shust that my fuckin' eyeshight's gotten worse..."

  • Private Communication

    One day, after I logged in to my e-mail account, I discovered that new mail was waiting for me in my mail box

    . The lengthy message was prefaced by the heading:

    "From: Maildemon@: Your message could not be sent ..etc" " Reason: Address unknown..."

    Upon scanning this returned letter, I discovered that it had not been written by me at all, and that the intended recipient and sender were thousands of miles away, apparently the unfortunate victims of a random mailer screw-up. The first sentence of that letter, though, I will always remember:

    "My dearest Janice:"

    "At last, we have a method of non-verbal communication which is completely private... "

  • Product Labels

    You might think you know these silly product lables, we see thembarcode
    every day. But have you ever read the small print? It's all there...

    • On a Taiwanese blanket:
    • On a Taiwanese shampoo:
    • On a Korean kitchen knife:
    • On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists:
    • On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink:
    • On a New Zealand insect spray:
    • In a US guide to setting up a new computer:
    • On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids:
    • In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles:
    • On a packet of Sunmaid raisins:
    • On a Sears hairdryer:
    • On a bag of Fritos:
    • On a bar of Dial soap:
      DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (... and that would be how?)
    • On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
      DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (... printed on bottom of the box)
    • On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
    • On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
    • On a Japanese food processor:
    • On Sainsbury's peanuts:
    • On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
    • On a Swedish chainsaw:
    • On a child's superman costume:
    • On some Swann frozen dinners:
      SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST. (But it's just a suggestion!)
    • On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
      FITS ONE HEAD. (Whose? mine or thine?)
    • On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
      DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY. (But wouldn't that save more time?)
    • On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
      DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY. (We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
    • On Nytol sleep aid:
      WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (One would hope!)


    The best one last! Not really a product label, I know. But still, just imagine
    To me, this looks real enough.

  • Salesmen and Software Engineers

    What is the difference between a used-car salesman and a computer salesman?
    The used-car salesman knows when he's lying to you!salesman

    Try again: What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?
    The car salesman can probably drive!


    A computer salesman, a hardware engineer, and a software engineer are driving in a car together. Suddenly the right rear tire blows out, ahd the car rolls to a stop. Our three heroes pile out to investigate.

    The salesman tsk-tsks sadly. "Time to buy a new car!" he announces.
    Says the hardware engineer, "Well, first let's try swapping the front and rear tires, and see if that fixes it."
    Replies the software engineer,"Naw, let's just try driving the car again, and maybe the problem will go away by itself."

    A doctor, an engineer, and a programmer were debating what the world's oldest profession was (other than the obvious one)? The doctor said that medicine was the oldest because the Lord performed surgery in the removal of Adam's rib.

    The engineer countered that before that act, the Lord had performed feats of engineering by creating the earth and heavens from nothing.

    The doctor conceded that the engineer was right and that engineering was indeed the oldest profession.

    But then the programmer interjected that programming was even older. He was chided by both the doctor and the engineer saying that engineering had to be the oldest, because before the Lord engineered the earth and heavens, there was nothing, only the Great Void, only Chaos! The programmer simply smiled and said: "Where do you think the Chaos came from? "


    One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.''

    --Robert Firth

    How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

    None: "We'll document it in the manual."

    How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

    None: "The user can work it out."

    "All that was meant to bore you shitless."

    - I. Goulden Combinatorics and Optimization 230

  • St John's INI File

    This is also a supplement to my Bourne-End-isms. The following ini file is a
    joke, of course. It was just dreamed up as a way to get some fun out of testing software that would not work. Remember the days of Win3.x, when one had to tweak around with *.ini files?
    Have some fun with this





    [Don't Load]





    [Dr. Watson]
    ResourceToLow=,Zu wenig Ressourcen

    Sermons (True Type)=GOTHENG.FON
    Prayers (Plotter)=COPPER.FON
    Anglican (Plotter)=ROMAN.FON
    Large Fonts (VGA res)=XL.FON

  • SysAdmin and Santa


    N  ot sure whether this guy is Santa Claus or perhaps your System Administrator?
    I'm not surprised; very often Santa is taken for a Systems Admin and vice versa.
    Ever wondered why?
    Read the amazing truth on this page!


    1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
    2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.
    3. Santa seldom answers your mail.
    4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me."
    5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.
    6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.
    7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
    8. Santa laughs entirely too much.
    9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.
    10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.
  • The Barometer Problem

    An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes, which can be made, in a very narrow field.bohr_niels

    University of Copenhagen, Physics Department. Final Exams for Master Degree, the year is 1909. One of the questions asked went like this:

    4. Describe how to determine the height of a high rise building with the aid of a barometer.

    One student replied:

    "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, lower the barometer from the roof of the high rise building to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will determine the height of the building."

    This highly original answer so incensed the examiners that the student was failed immediately. He appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but, however, did not display any noticeable proficiency in physics.

    To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in again and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics. For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in deep thought.
    The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which one to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

    "Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the highriser, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer.

    "Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper.
    "But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sq root(l / g).

    "Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.

    "If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building. But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."

    The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane so far to win the Nobel prize for Physics.

  • The Gospel according to Gates

    And lo! gatesThe Lord of the OS did come down among His sheep and He sayeth, "Thou shalt pay Bill Gates and he will deliver unto you my product. I am your WinXP, your GUI. Thou shalt not have false GUI's on machines before me."

    And the Lord said, "16-bit applications are evil! I am sorry, I ever created them. I shall smite them with my RAM rod and start all over. Thou shalt buy new computers."

    And the prophet Intel came forward and said, "But Lord, what about backward compatibility? What about the tribes of the 8086 and the 80386 ?"

    And, lo, the Lord became angry and said, "Compatibility is irrevelant. Thou shalt be assimilated."

    And the consumers gathered around Bill Gates and the Tower of Microsoft, and they asked, "Prophet, how much must we spend on salvation? Seven times our investment?"

    And Bill Gates turned to the crowd and said unto them, "Nay, consumers, not seven but seventy times seven times your investment. Only then shall you be saved."

    And the consumers did as they were told. But the product did not work and they grew angry, and they cried out to the Lord, "Lord, we have done as your prophet asked us to do, but the product does not work! Our machines, they run slow! Our applications, they do not run."

    And the Lord sayeth unto them, "I tell you this, it is easier for Alice Cooper to enter the Gates of Heaven than for a Pentium to run Windows 95."

    And as the masses did come forward, I saw inscribed upon their heads W95, the number of the Bill.

    And the Prophet Bill, for that was who it must have been, he raiseth his right hand and broke the first seal, saying "Behold the seal of Microsoft. By the braking of this seal you are bound unto whatever the contract within may say."

    And as the seal was broken, all the great empires around the world were set upon with famine and floods and swarms of bugs like never seen before and the great anguish befell them all.

    And lo, the Prophet Bill held up the scroll and said, "Behold, the second seal! I shall not break it today, but rather I shall break it soon, like perhaps next week, or maybe the week after. Thou shalt wait expectantly for its breaking, and shall not produce any work until that time shall come."

  • The Hole

    Well, that's it. You've thought you were through
    with your maths. But have a look at this one...

    The two figures look exactly the same size. But hold it! There seems to be something terribly wrong with them. The lower one seems to be one square less in size. But why?


    Any ideas what's wrong with this?

  • The Spoon


    The other day I took some friends of mine out to a new restaurant. When the waiter took our order, I noticed that he carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when another waiter brought our water and utensils, I noticed that he too had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Looking around the restaurant I saw that all the staff seemed to have spoons in their pockets.

    When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon? "
    "Well," he explained, "half a year ago, the restaurant's owners hired Anderson Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift."

    As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now", he said.
    I was rather impressed.

    The waiter served our main course and I continued looking around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the other waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. Now I got really curious and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

    "Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned earlier also found out that we can save time in the restroom. See, by tying this string to the tip of the penis, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash our hands, thus shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

    "Okay, that makes sense", I said, "but . . . if the string helps you get it out, how in hell do you get it back in again?"

    "Well", he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others but . . . as for me, I use the spoon."

  • The Squeeking Wheelbarrow


    Every time I hear the "Squeaking Wheelbarrow", I know that there is some more work approaching. People are constantly unloading work they have started, but don't want to finish at my office door. Well, I'm nearing retirement now, so they can't lick me much longer. Still, this calls for some humor:

    Like it or not, on this page you find things that I think funny.



    As 'Ye Olde Wheelbarrow' spins and spins, this page starts growing longer and longer and I finally felt there was some need for structure. So this is what I did: I split this page up in sections.

    Computers and Software


    Creation or how God Created Ye Olde Computer.

    The Gospel According to Gates A Christmas Carol, courtesy of Mr. Gates.

    Gates in Heaven Bill Gates knocking at the doors of Heaven.

    Shakespeare à la Microsoft
    Find out the real McBill play, never completed by the great Playwright.

    Is Windows a Virus ? What you always wanted to know, but never dared to ask, courtesy of Mr. Gates.

    Windows Error Messages
    Some of these you have probably not yet encountered...

    Salesmen is something about Salesmen and Software Engineers and the Empire of the Bill.

    If Microsoft sold cars What a frightening pespective! Find out more.

    System Admins vs. Santa Claus Do they have anything in common ? Find out more.

    A Question of Support Normally you are not amused by the behaviour of support people. But have you ever considered the other end? Find out more.

    The Computer Novice's Vade Mecum Perhaps not everything, but some of the things, facts and technical terms that are never explained to the newcomer.

    L'ordinateur How stundents learn French - and about computers

    Windows Source Code Why Bill Gates wants to keep this a secret

    Morning Prayer The computer user's little morning prayer from the common prayer book of Gates.

    Mr Darwin & Mr Murphy

    Murphology You know Edsel G. Murphy? No, you may have heard about Murphy's Law. Things often tend to go from bad to worse, and Murphy recognised and phrased that.

    Darwin Award Learn about the famous Darwin Award: This year's winner portrayed.

    Product Labels Some people want to make sure you understand the writing on the wall....

    Private Communication? about the hassels of e-mail.

    The Barometer Problem about the hassels of obtaining a Nobel Prize.

    4 feet and 8 1/2 inches The secret of railway track gauges revealed.

    Questionnaire If you have recently bought a fighter plane you might recognize this....

    Bourne End-isms


    Bourne End-isms is a collection of things people involved in a software project have uttered at times of distress.

    Murphy in C++ is a supplement to Bourne End-isms. It describes the struggles of a software engineer in getting things he doesn't know about, just about right.

    St. John's INI is also a supplement to Bourne End-isms.

    Gourmet Jokes


    The Spoon A selected joke.

    Nuts to You Another selected joke.

    Just a Glass of Water Still another selected joke.

    Blondes Are you a blonde? Keep away from this - You won't like it

    In the Garden of Eden
    Another selected joke.

    Italian Letter
    A letter from an Italian tourist who is not quite satisfied with his hotel in London.

    High Anxiety Tower? We have an emergency...

    And all the rest...


    One Night Stand and other delights The Mark Parisi section.

    The Hole A Maths Riddle. See, what you can make of it - proof?

    Five Questions the caring wife should never ask her husband.

    George W. Bush 43rd President of the United States of America - an hommage.

    Answering Machines
    Some really good texts for your telephone answering machine.

    Are you an American?
    Find out with this simple multiple joice test!

    Bumper Stickers These are the funny ones.

    About chocolate Find out why chocolate is much better than sex.

    Amazing Discoveries The most amazing things you always wanted to know.



  • Windows Error Messages


    Well, we all know, Windows is weird....
    Just look at these most enlightening error messages...


    This one is really cheeky. Who would have
    thought that Windows tries faking files?



    In bright daylight it has to be seen that if anything here
    is too fat, it's got to be Windows itself...



    We all thought, it was a only joke, the one about the user
    who asked support which key was the 'any-key'. Now it
    looks as if Windows is not sure either...



    Who said, Windows is stable?
    It seems, it can't chew this...



    At least this one looks cheerful enough.
    So long as nobody actually tries to follow the hint...



    Who says senile, huh?


    Remember DOS 3.3?

    To be truthful, things were not really better in the old days.
    Perhaps you still remember the times of Windows 3.x or even
    the times when there was no Windows at all but simply DOS?
    Mind-boggling messages, cryptic as they come along with Windows
    were not unknown then. Have a look at these...


    <----- The information went data way -------

    C:\Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay!

    C:\Bad command or file name. Go stand in corner.

    C:\Backup not found: (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)hrow up?

    C:\CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/N)?
  • Windows source code

    W  e all would be ever so thrilled if we could just get a glimpse of the original Windows source code.
    Microsoft keeps this a well-guarded secret.
    For the first time ever it's possible for you and me to have a look at how Windows is really made....

    /* TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code
    Project: Chicago(tm)
    Projected release-date: MAY 1998
    #include "win31.h"
    #include "win95.h"
    #include "evenmore.h"
    #include "oldstuff.h"
    #include "billrulz.h"
    #define INSTALL = HARD
    char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
    void main()
    if (first_time_installation)
    if (still_not_crashed)
    if (detect_cache())
    if (fast_cpu())
    set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
    set_mouse(action, jumpy);
    set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
    /* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
    /* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
    printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
    if (system_ok()) crash(to_dos_prompt);
    system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp" O_CREATE);
    create_general_protection_fault(); }