Computer Vade-Mecum

Well, we all have to begin using computerser_southernwin
one of these days. Don't laugh at these, you too
were once a novice...

Well, we all have to begin using computers
one of these days. Don't laugh at these, you too
were once a novice...

A Few Definitions first:

Nobody can tell you why, but most
words in computer science are nouns.

Computer : A device designed to speed and automate errors.
Ethernet : Something to catch the etherbunny
Mainframe : The biggest PC peripheral available.
Programmer : A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
Upgrade : Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
Windows : Just another pain in the glass.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI

These are the questions you should never ask.
Really never ask, not even your most trusted
friends. Even when they know all about computers.
Or, to be more precise, just because they know
everything about computers.
Because they won't know...

  1. Who's General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
  2. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
  3. Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Computer Facts and Figures

'640Kbytes ought to be sufficient for anybody'.
- Bill Gates, 1981

  • All computers wait at the same speed.
  • Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
  • 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
  • Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
  • Buy a pentium IV / 1500 so you can reboot faster.
  • Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
  • Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
  • Real programmers don't document. "If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand."
  • As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
  • Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
  • If debugging is the process of removing bugs, programming must be the process of putting them in.

At last, a few Practical Hints

This is what you have been waiting for.
At last, your patience is being rewarded:

  • Software has never bugs. It just develops random features.
  • Best file compression technique around: DEL *.* (=100% compression)
  • DOS Tip #39: Add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS