I was sitting in my pub the other night when I saw an old gentleman coming up to the bar. I knew him from old times and he was the one with this renowned trick of his that he would perform on the rare occasions when he was lit a bit:
He would take a walnut out of his pocket, put it on the bar, take out his penis from his fly and smite it to small pieces with it.

"Well, now, daddy", I said to him, "will there be a show tonight, huh?"
He looked carefully around and he realised, that all the people around us were watching him expectantly.
Carefully he searched his pockets and finally extracted a coconut from his left trouser pocket. The patrons fell silent as he laid it lovingly on the table and patted it for a bit.

Then, he fumbled open his fly, quietly took out his thing, and swoosh - the nut was all splinters.
There was a standing ovation from the spectators - it lasted for minutes.

When the room had quietened down finally and I could make myself heard again, I stood him a drink and asked him:
"Well, now, that was really a first class performance, I can hardly believe my eyes. Tell me, this strength of yours... last time I saw you, it was just a walnut, now it's a coconut, what's it going to be next time?"

"Bah, strensh," he mumbled, a bit soused, "sh's got nutting to do with strensh, no it hashn't, no shaa. It'sh shust that my fuckin' eyeshight's gotten worse..."

I t was already getting late and I was still hanging at the bar of my local pub when suddenly the door was ripped open and this guy came running in and asked for a glass of water from the bartender.
The guy drank it down in one gulp then asked for a second glass. Six glasses later, and he had recovered enough to speak.

"Thanks," he croaked.

"That's one hell of a thirst you've got," said the bartender.

The guy says, "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't."

"Where's your car then?" the landlord asks.

"Just outside, at the roadside," the guy gasps.

"Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I go out and take your place."

"Be my guest, the broad's a nympho. She'll do anybody."

So the bartender goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. They get right down to it, humping away. Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple.

"What's going on here?" he asks.

"It's all right, officer," explains the bartender. "She's my wife."

"Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize..."

"Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."

Casino Royale

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice. And she adds, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked."

With that she takes off everything but her necklace and rolls the dice while yelling, "Mama needs new clothes." Then she yells, "YES, YES, YES!! I WON, I WON, I WON."

She begins jumping up and down and hugging both of the dealers. Then she picks up her money and her clothes and quickly leaves.

The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks,
"What did she roll, anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching."

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb.

Road Check

A road check. The police holds up all cars. A blonde in a sports car is being checked. "Can I see your driving permit, please?" the policeman asks.
"Driving permit?" the blonde looks completely fazed. "Yes, you know, the thing with your picture on it," the policeman says. "Oh, that one. Why didn't you say so," the blonde pawes in her hand bag, digs out her powder compact, opens it, looks into the tiny mirror, smiles and hands the whole thing over to the policeman.
"There's my picture". The policeman looks into the mirror "Aw, look, sorry, if I'd known you're in the forces yourself, I wouldn't have held you up."

Moral: Same as above.

51 DAYS

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to th bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days! " Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. . .the side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days !"

Questions and Answers

Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
A: Alone.

Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

Q: Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.

Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.

Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them.

Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"

Q: How can you tell a blonde had a bad day?
A: Her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn't know what she did with her cigarette.

Q: What's brown and red and black and blue?
A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.

In the Garden of Eden, or to be more specific:

The Little - Known Original Version of verses 27 and 28 of the Book Genesis.

²⁷One fine day Eve came up to God and said: "Oh God, I have a problem."
God returned: "What is thy problem, oh child?"
"God, I know Thou hast created me, Thou gavest this wonderful garden to me, Thou gavest me all these wonderful animals and Thou hast throwen in even this silly snake. But ... still I feel not happy at times."


"Why art thou not happy, my daughter?" came the question from above.
"Oh God, I feel so lonely and I can't bear the sight of those apples any longer."
"Well, Eve my daughter, I think there is something I can do for thee. I will create MAN!"
"But what is this thing, MAN Thou speakest of, oh God?" Eve asked and sounded a bit uncertain.

"Well", God mused, "this creature will be quite hairy. It will have lots of faults; it will lie to you, it will cheat on you, it will be vain and conceited. Methinks, it will make life difficult for you.
"But it will be stronger than you, it will stand taller and it will move faster. It will hunt and kill animals; it will look quite ridiculous when it is excited, but since you are not happy, I will see that it can satisfy your bodily needs, too.

"It will have no humour at all and loves to do childish things like fight against other MEN or run after a round thing across the pasture.
"It won't be too clever, it will need your guidance to be reasonable."

"That sounds too thrilling to be true" Eve said ironically "but tell me, oh God, where is the snag?"

"Well, thou canst have this thing but on one condition" God said severely.
"What condition, please, oh God?" Eve asked.

"As I mentioned, this MAN will be vain and conceited. It will admire itself most .... therefore thou must let itself believe that IT was first, that I created MAN before I created woman. That thou must promise me, it will remain a secret amongst us WOMEN."
²⁸And God said to Eve: "Understood? Good, now be fruitful and multiply, and fill the Earth and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air and over every living thing that moves upon the earth."

Further recommended study: Michelangelo's Eve